A Realistic Personal Ad: SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation. I can’t stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band’s Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes. I’m 32 but look 40 and feel 60. You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don’t fulfill every unmet need you’ve ever had. Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me. My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sh*t-hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don’t need any damn friends. Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40. Serious replies only, please. Continue reading
Author Archives: Andrea
My eyebrows – more perception studies
Wednesday, June 3, 2009. Well, I really got a crash course in perception again yesterday. The night before, I’d been tired from driving all day, yet not quite sleepy enough to go to bed. You know how that goes, you’re awake but not real alert. Tired and wired I call it. And no, I don’t drink 🙂 So here I was really tired and clearing some things off my desk when I came across a pair of tweezers I’d used to pull out a splinter a few days ago. I’m not one to tweeze brows or shave legs or whiskers since I’m so fair you can barely notice it. But as I sat back in my chair with the tweezers in hand, it seemed a good idea to reach for the mirror and do some eyebrow shaping. You already know where this is going, don’t you? Continue reading
What a difference a change in perception makes….. Billing as a spiritual practice
Yesterday I had the greatest drive ever to Ocala and Cassadaga. Yes, I was just there last week but, as I wrote about on May 26th at Pinning Myself In And Getting Myself Out Of it, I had miscalculated and not had enough magazines with me the first time. Oh, what a grumpy last trip that was! This time, I’d gotten caught up on work and created the day off for myself. I thought of it as a vacation day drive rather than a delivery run. Thinking about it differently made me feel differently about it. Continue reading
Staying in the flow; the lava lamp story
It’s June already! How cool is that? Well, not very cool anymore, as the weather heats up. Temps have been in the mid 80’s and humidity about 75%, and very pleasant. I began turning my a/c on a couple of weeks ago. I love the fresh air, but not the humidity. I like a fan blowing on me all the time; maybe that’s a menopausal thang. Yes, when is that going to end anyway??? I’ve been hot flashing for 15 years. Enough already.
Hey, I snapped a cell phone pic on Saturday as I was driving. I am not a fan of my full face, no-bangs look, but in the hair-growing-out process I need to keep it out of my eyes. As soon as the bangs drop below my chin, I can stick my hair behind my ears and be done with it. As the weather heats up, it is growing faster. I’ve learned that it keeps it stronger and healthier when I snip the ends every few weeks, and when it’s strong, it grows faster. Continue reading
Tricks to Beat Frizz on Humid Days
I love the hair and makeup commercials I see on tv and on AOL: “Tricks to Beat Frizz on Humid Days” the headline reads. “The Best Foundation for Summertime.” Have these writers ever lived in Florida? It doesn’t matter what gel or spray you put on your hair and what styling tools you use, the Florida humidity in the summer will soak into your hair as surely as if you walked through a steam bath. And waterproof, sweatproof foundation and mascara? Not so. They slide right off. Until I travelled outside Florida for the first time, I thought everywhere had high humidity. After I took my first trip out west, I realized that wasn’t the case. I lived in California for awhile and that’s when I realized, ah, that’s where these writers live. They must think everyone lives in the same climate as they do.
The rose bush in its own little place in the sun; cleaning the rain gutters
Sunday May 31, 2009. My brother gave me a small tabletop rose bush earlier this year. It arrived with one rose and a small rosebud. Within 2 weeks, both roses were spent, and I placed the bush on the table in the sunniest corner of the back porch. I mean, it being a tabletop rose bush and all. Weeks and then months went by and, although the rose got a couple of hours of direct sunlight each morning, it wasn’t really growing and it took 2 months until I saw another rosebud on it. My brother would ask how the briar patch was doing. Then I had the idea to plant it in the yard, just 3 feet from where it sat on the porch, and it immediately began to grow. The full sun all day long made the difference. I told Brother Jerry about it, and he said, “That little briar patch is kinda like people, you can baby and pamper them and try your best to make them bloom, but the flowers don’t appear unless you allow them to have their own little place in the sun. Then the laws of nature brings forth the roses.” Continue reading
Mental
Saturday May 30, 2009. I watched the tv show Mental last night. Chris Vance is Dr. Jack Gallagher, an unorthodox psychiatrist who becomes Director of Mental Health at an L.A. hospital. He takes on patients battling unknown, misunderstood, and misdiagnosed psychiatric conditions. Gallagher has developed an ability to get into the minds of his patients and see the way they see reality, allowing him to uncover what might be the keys to their long-term recoveries. This perspective leads him to offer alternative treatments for his patient. I wondered why I was led to turn the show on, but then I saw the doctor and staff around a table discussing treatment plans. Since one patient had already gone off his medication, Gallagher suggested they keep him unmedicated, let all the chemicals get out of his system, and use counseling, acupuncture, visualization and other forms of alternative therapy. Then after the patient had a period of no medication, re-evaluate him in light of new technologies. You can imagine that not everyone at the table was in agreement. One responded “You don’t treat schizophrenia with aromatherapy.” This might be a very good show.
Later in the show, Gallagher is approached by an authority at the hospital who asks for his cooperation in keeping the funding in place from the major pharmaceutical companies who use the hospital to run their drug trials. This should play out nicely as a story line. And also educate some people; especially the elderly who are over-medicated and sit in front of the tv all day. I hope they watch this show.
I spent about 10 years with the tv off, and it’s just recently come back on. That’s a good thing to do to gain perspective. Now I see programming is slowly making some changes for the better. It’s encouraging.
Writing a note to your animal friends
Friday May 29, 2009. I got this email from a client’s brother after reading my May 2009 Horizons Magazine editorial. “Hello Andrea, just wanted to let you know how the universe came together for me through one of your suggestions…. First, my name is Steve and I live in Michigan. I have access to Horizons via my sister, Laurie Taylor (ad on your page 22), who shows me various issues whenever I end up at her home in Florida. Sometimes she sends me the occasional magazine, as was the case with May’s offering. So I’m reading your column about interacting with nature, and you’re going on about squirrels and cardinals, and mulberry trees, and its all hitting home to me to me in a personal way, not because of my love for critters and the outdoors, which I have, but because of the significance of of your instruction, which was to write those creatures a note should you bump heads with one another. You see, Andrea, bumping heads with creatures has weighed heavily on my soul lately in an “in-your-face” sort of way, primarily because of the actions of my dear neighbor – my tattoo covered, carny working neighbor, who decided he could not live another moment of life without those most precious of pets, a pit bull.” Continue reading
Lazy Thursday
A lazy Thursday. Not lazy for me, as I will be running around doing things starting early, which means I had better get to bed quickly. It’s 4:00am as I type this. So the lazy part is me sharing some of the past week’s Facebook posts, with some after thoughts. I kind of like keeping track of my Facebook posts, it’s like a periodic journal of what was on my mind throughout the day. Continue reading
A reminder in the power of belief about physical limitations
I was Googling myself this morning and came across something I’d written several years ago, that someone had shared on their site. It was a good one, so I wanted to share it here: “I had a great lesson in the power of my beliefs this morning. As usual on final layout week, I spend extra hours at the computer, creating and revising ads, opening mail, logging in payments, seeing who’s paid and who needs to pay, playing phone tag with a dozen new advertisers getting last minute details, making last minute adjustments to design and layout. So I work well into the night and get up early to begin again. And this morning was no different.”