Author Archives: Andrea

Repetitive unwanted thoughts? Replace them

A friend writes that she can’t rid herself of obsessively being angry at her ex, who left her 3 years ago. She sees him as a bully and since they share custody of the kids, she has to listen to his every criticism and attempt to control her with money and the children’s feelings. “I’m fighting with him in my head every day. I have no strength left.” My short answer is to schedule at least one joint counseling session with a licensed professional. In the meantime, if he’s a bully, recognize that he’s got some type of mental disorder which makes him act like that. He thinks he’s doing the best thing. If he treats you hatefully, for some reason he has judgments against you and blames you for something. Whether they are real or not does not matter, how you live your life now will show him who you are. Consider whether you want to modify behavior. Stop fighting back. Not everything he says requires a response. Let him have the last word. Release that resistance. Trust that it will all work out better than you could have imagined. Apologize to him, forgive him. Some replacement thoughts when the anger comes up might be: Remind yourself that he loves your children and wants the best for them. He is a good father and a good provider. You have different opinions about how the children and money should be managed. Consider just letting go and doing it his way for awhile, just to float downstream and catch your breath for a moment. Give your mind and body a brief vacation from the stress. Continue reading →

Awakening and Opening Eyes: Helping a friend see the caterpillar is not dying, it’s becoming a butterfly

Years ago a born again Christian friend came to me for meditation and when we began discussing metaphysical concepts, his mind blew open. He said that he was meditating and having revelations for the first time in his life. He was gaining insight from the time he spent contemplating our conversations and I witnessed his beliefs evolving and morphing. I watched the light bulbs as they went off. What I told him is what I’d tell anyone who was newly on the path – it is good basic info, especially if you’re feeling “trapped” or imprisoned by anything or anyone. As Bo Lozoff says, “we’re all doing time” somehow. If you’re reading this, you’re undergoing some transformation in your own life so parts of this will be relevant for you. A month later I wrote to him in jail: “You said you’ve been rethinking everything you’ve ever done. You sounded resigned to it, which is good since that lowers your level of resistance, which means you’re vibrating in a more allowing and accepting place. When that happens, a better result can come about and things can fall into place quicker. Hang in there. Plus you can practice being a yogi meditating on God all day every day you’re in there. And write! Finally, you’ve been wanting time to write!”

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From insight to action, we find our way in our own time

A friend in jail wrote of an insight he got that really spoke to his heart, that God needed to isolate him as a warning to guard his soul before He blessed him, that he was locked up to do emotional work, which he already knew, but that this was a glimpse of the calamity that could come if left unchecked. I wrote him, “It’s so cool that you realize that. Not everyone gets it, that it’s a series of lessons unfolding on the path, the journey, to help rid yourself of any impurities you might discover you have to your character. Ridding yourself of them burns up past karma, which causes the big giant flood of momentum to catch up with you, tearing your life as you know it apart and then rebuilding it in stronger fashion.” Like all of us, he’s on and off the path and finding his way.

Begin to brew the inner stew

Pondering life changes? There’s a time to discuss with friends and a time to contemplate and self reflect. Put your self in the steam and let your self cook. Without the pressure release of chatting, your thoughts and inner guidance will brew a much richer stew. This inner stew of self understanding will nourish you for your lifetime, long after friends are gone.

All wound up?

Notice that wound also spells wound. When we’re wound up tight as a drum, we’re all wrapped up in our wound. Unwind.

Telling lies only delays coming into your own as the true You

Many people do not want to hear or face the truth. …. Believing lies and falsehoods of your own making will only stop you from growing and developing in the way you need to, and it will take longer to come unto your own, as the true you. Felicia Banks

Learn to speak your mind, communication is vital

One thing I always talk with new friends about is being honest in our communication. That means speaking our minds freely, not holding back out or sugar coating it or making hints instead of outright saying it. So when a friend gets angry yet they mask it and don’t tell me, that does neither of us any good. If they hint around about something and I don’t change, I clearly didn’t get their hint. That doesn’t help the relationship. How do I know to stop chewing gum if you don’t tell me it bugs you? And if you know when to walk away and don’t, that dishonors both of us.

I know the importance of words and their effect on people who hear them, so I never say what I don’t mean, even in anger. A friend told me once after an angry outburst, saying first one thing, then another: “Isn’t it clear that I don’t know what I want?” How wise to have that glimpse into self and be able to admit it.

I once asked a friend when he was going to get around to doing xxx that he’d promised months before. He’d said to remind him in 3 months, and when I did, he flew off the handle and read off a list of things I did that annoyed him and he stormed out. Things were never the same again. I don’t understand why someone would react like that. Why not just answer the question? He never answered it, he cut me off completely.

As far as not telling someone what is bothering you, I can understand wanting to avoid telling someone who responds by verbal confrontation. I believe there’s never a reason to lose your temper and go into screaming mode. The only thing you’re ever mad at anyway is someone failing to meet your expectation.

If I have a question, I ask it. If something bothers me, I say it, in the moment of it. Oh I may let something slide a time or two, but if it really bothers me, I mention it. No, you can’t eat or smoke in my car. Ok, your dog or kid can visit once. Once. Yes, I like it when you put your dishes in the sink, thank you. No vague hints, nothing left unsaid, no guesswork, no misunderstanding. Most importantly, no one’s time wasted, it’s all out front and center. When everything is discussed, nothing gets bottled up so there’s never a reason for a blow up.

A galpal last year said she delayed for two weeks telling me to please shower and use deodorant after gardening if we were going to lunch. I laughed because she’s right, I didn’t always shower and I seldom wear deodorant. No one ever mentioned it before. Yet it bothered her and she chose to endure it and not tell me it was an issue, allowing me to offend who knows who else for those two weeks? Not wanting to hurt my feelings? What I find offensive is someone who won’t speak their mind when they have something to say. Someone who thinks a topic like this would “hurt my feelings” yet letting me be offensive to everyone else is “okay.”

An ex once told his new flame we didn’t break up earlier because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. More hurtful was sticking around and pretending to be into it when we both knew it’s not a good match and we’re both ready to move on. Big time waster for everyone! We could have parted as friends but he had no prior role model for that so he had to blow up. Don’t hold someone back, cut them loose the second the feeling for them passes. I welcome it when friends call me on my stuff as they do it to honor and improve our relationship with each other.

Why do the angry act out as they do? I get 3 answers.

When it rains, it pours. The third time I get a call with the same situation, I know I have something to learn from it. Since you’re reading this, you’re vibrating in resonance with me on some level, so it may give you insight to someone you know as well. A few clients admit to having angry outbursts at home and work, so I asked each for insight into what they experience when that happens, what compels them to say hateful and hurtful words, etc. Here is a compilation of their answers. “I am not a perfect human, in fact I am probably far from it. I admit to having a temper and losing my temper sometimes. While it is not a good thing, I must say it is a hell of a lot better then it used to be. In thinking about this, I have found that my view of my anger and the way other people have seen it are different. See, I never just blow up. It is never that all of a sudden I get angry. It takes time with me. I don’t go from calm to furious in five seconds. It takes time, and it takes a continuation. And I can tell you that most people do not see that. I realize that they don’t see that I am starting to get angry because I mask it. They don’t see my starting to get annoyed inside – I keep quiet, try to keep it calm. And sometimes this works really well. The other person involved quiets down, or moves on.” Continue reading →

Filling the Gratitude Bank: How a friend has upgraded my life

Not that I’m keeping score *hehe* Well, yes, I do keep score. I have such a bad memory, that when someone does something nice for me, I don’t want to forget to be grateful for it. No, I won’t forget to thank them, but I don’t want to forget even the smallest things people do for me. I want to have reminders so I can have constant fuel for my Gratitude Bank. Here is one list: