I wrote earlier at Jeremy James Bonner, Thank You of a recent experience I’d posted on Facebook. One reason I felt free to write it was because we continually discuss living our lives as transparently as possible, and to call each other on our stuff. We know that is the deep spiritual work and we are both committed to growth. We write in our blogs and on FB publicly so others can benefit from what we go through, and witness the stages of emotion that we experience as they are happening. That is how readers know they are not alone when it happens to them. This helps them realize we are all connected.
When I saw him today, he was angry and I did not know why. He said I was the one who chose to end the friendship when I made the post and he called it full of lies. I asked him what specifically was a lie. He could name nothing, just accusations of hanging him on a cross in public to ease my pain. That’s not what I did. His initial anger won’t last long (it didn’t,) he contemplates later what’s been said and gets the higher understanding. (He did.) We talked just this week about the awakening process, noting that everyone has to undergo a crucifixion in each lifetime. He agreed it was part of their growth to the next step, to the brighter future. He knew he’d been ungoing a crucifixion the past year in order to clean up his karma and he’s surrendered to that.
If we had not spoken about it almost weekly the last year, if we had not talked always about being open and honest in using our lives publicly as a message of hope to others, that would be a different story. If we had not talked about this is how we influence people, by letting them know our own personal issues and how we work through them, that would be a different story. We were always on the same page about full disclosure, we always had been.
Being initially angry, a distorted story will play in his head until the wheels wind down and his intuition kicks in. He knows that. He’s not irked for long. He comes to his senses and sees what’s played out and when he’s over-reacted. I did nothing wrong. Just Wednesday we discussed that when his feelings for me changed, then my key would be returned immediately and no hard feelings: friends. The next day I find he’s already told two Facebook females weeks ago that he’s not in relationship. I met him at lunch and picked up my key and figured that was that, no drama, hi, thanks, bye. We had both been ready for awhile. I graciously transferred all his files to a thumbdrive and packed his belongings neatly in several carry bins for the next day. I did not end the friendship. He ended the friendship.
I can’t help but wonder if it’s like the first time, a year in, he said, “we’re over,” and then later “you’re the one who wrote that in stone, I just threw it out in anger, I didn’t mean that.” I can’t imagine saying anything I don’t mean whether I’m angry or not. Later he’s irked and we’re “over” again, followed a week later by “remember I’m still your boyfriend.” Mixed signals, then “Isn’t it clear I don’t know what I want?” Ah, honesty. Thank you. The air was cleared. I figure we’ll hang when it’s fun and won’t when it’s not. It began being fun again.
I stopped asking him to do anything for me so, having zero expectations, I was never disappointed. I happily supported him in all his projects and ideas when he said he had no one else to help him hold a higher vision, no one else who understood the work. I happily gave him a place to spend quiet time since his is a busy household. I’ve happily driven him everywhere he’s had to go all year. We discuss on a regular basis that we want to be as transparent as possible to lead by example that issues addressed can be worked out and we do this via our blogs and Facebook. I understand that when the personality isn’t ready to work on an issue that the soul knows it’s time for, the mental body takes over and can derail for a few days. That is all this is. On the other side of it is understanding and gratitude for the finger pointing to the moon.
I apologize for any grief I’ve caused you. Let me know what specifically I’ve written that is untrue and I’ll pull it right out. (He later manned up that nothing was untrue.) I believe all that is at play here is an understanding soul temporarily suppressed by a stung ego that knows it’s already losing ground, and a mind fearful of what people will think. They’ll think you’re human. They’ll think you go through the same stuff they go through. They’ll wish they had your insights on it. Anger is fine when that’s what it takes to crack open the shell of understanding. Moody behavior is fine, too. This is not a crime. Trying to guilt someone by blaming them for something you’ve completely attracted to yourself is pointless. You’ll see that in a few days once your mind settles down. You do your times of prayer and meditation throughout the day. It will come to you once you’re back to your Self.
I ask your forgiveness for anything you think I’ve done to you. I forgive you for anything I ever thought you’d done to me. I release the past along with any hurt caused by the past. I welcome your friendship again when we can speak to each other with kindness. I love you deeply. We have a soul connection whether we have a personality connection or not. I will not censor my life lessons to keep anyone comfortable. You’re stronger than you know. If you are who you say you are, the friendship will resume once you take time to understand what is really at play here in the greater scheme of things. What you’re really made for and capable of. You’ll be proud of how far you’ve come and honor my part in this conscious co-creation. On the other side of this is relief, understanding, cleared karma and greater happiness for everyone.