For Jeremy James Bonner, thank you

JJBTo everyone who reads this, Jeremy read it ahead of time and agreed to public disclosure of it, as it was soul work we agreed to do together and he manned up to it. It was two months after the fact that a new girlfriend convinced him to be ticked off about it and begin lying. It happens. Bless him.  “To he I tried to help, forgive me for giving you what you begged for, the attention that you said would finally make everything right in your world.  To he whose illusions I shattered by tearing down every wall you said was an obstacle, forgive me for laying bare your own soul before you for close inspection, and showing you no obstacles existed.  To he for whom I was sole captive audience and father confessor the last 15 months, I am honored to have been able to bring Light to get you through your dark night.  To he who said he was alone until he found me, I now realize the reason for that. To he with the hard past of disrespecting women, of smooth words and alternative motives, thank you for the opportunity to reveal to me my own weakness and strength.  It showed me I can sustain seeking good in the face of illusion.  To he with the hard time with truth, fear not, the truth will set you free. It’s not just a bumper sticker.

I know he longs to live a different life.  I know he feels the pull of his soul. I know he found me as he was hitting bottom of a very low past.  I’m a strong diving board.  I can take it.  The board doesn’t lament the diver, it knows its sole purpose is the gift of momentum.  Preferring to be the chameleon to get what he thinks he wants, he doesn’t mean to hurt others in the process.  Like the butterfly, he flits from here to there, just a sip, next.  Seek as he might, he never fills the empty spot within.  Although he’ll say you fill it with your enchanting, mystical magic, the likes of which he’s never before experienced… for a minute.  Like an hourglass with no bottom that just keeps emptying, giving no way to flip it over and start again.  My job was giving him respite, a bit of foundation so he could regroup and refill the hourglass so it could be flipped again.

He loves the words and the adoration they elicit, but is unable to live the words.  He’ll tell the pretty stories yet not the true, deep changes he’s actually going through. The real soul work, that’s where the magic lies.  That’s where alchemy takes place. He knows that, he longs for that. He’s not always ready to process that.  He promotes open communication yet cannot respect those closest to him by saying honestly what is on his mind, punishing instead by silence, half truths, sharp words and diversion (–> I ask an ex 4 exit interview questions.) Only in anger will he speak his mind.  That is not how he wants to be. In clear moments he knows that: “sorry again.”

To he who, try as he might, is not yet who he says he is: we all go through that, it’s all part of the process.   To feel you must dishonor women in order to gain their attention merely shows where you are on the wheel of conscious evolution.  The wheel moves. Time goes on. We grow up.  We take responsibility for how we perceive the world and how we react to it. We really grok the concept that it’s all related. We clean up the past so we don’t drag it kicking and screaming into the future with us.

We no longer merely pay lip service to the cute inspirational quotes of the day.  We can take just one of these quotes and meditate upon it deeply for a day and take it into practice and allow it to change our world. Or we can post as many as we can in 4 hours on Facebook, not really seeing the clear messages before us.  We WANT TO want to be who we say we are, but we need to practice it continually until we grow in to it.  The remedy: Do some serious soul searching.  Ask yourself serious questions. Wait for the answers. Take them to heart. People will love you for who you really are.  Grace them with the opportunity to do that by being who you really are: good, bad, up, down, manic, creative, depressed. You said I brought you through the hardest year of your life and brought you back to life. Let who you are be enough and you will attract the right people to you.  Never doubt that. After all, we attracted each other. Thank you for the opportunity to serve.  It’s been my honor.”

To those who find this harsh, you do not understand the work he and I committed to do together. One reason I feel free to write this is because he and I continually discuss living our lives as openly and transparently as possible, and to call each other on our stuff. We do it publicly so others can benefit from what we go through. We know yes we’re Andrea and Jeremy but we also represent archetypes in the midst of universal and metaphorical lessons. It would be arrogant to think they are lessons for us alone so, in the spirit of seva, we agree to feel free share our thoughts via Facebook and our blogs. Yes, even this.

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Awakening to a new reality, a new perception of all your old beliefs can be a very lonely road. Until you awaken to the fact that others have been there too. Others that can point you inward toward the answers. They can help you to realize  the scope of the incredible spiritual transformation you are undergoing. Call it a mid-life crisis, unhappiness, longing or discontent, whatever it is, it’s calling you to make a change. Face the fear, make the change, live harmoniously, love life and move forward. Andrea de Michaelis was that light for me when I thought I was the only one.  You ignite my mind with possibility, showing me errors in perceptions and helping me reshape things for a more fruitful outcome.  If I was to write a “rags to riches” tale of success, it would begin here.  Jeremy James Bonner (Jeremy Painter/Two Fishes)

How blessed I was to find you.  Who so effortlessly showed me who I was and made me see through the lies I’d been told and began to believe myself.  Thank you.  JJB (Jeremy Painter/Two Fishes )