Sample Breakup/Uncoupling Scripts: When you can’t find the words

Conscious partners seek to make relationship transitions harmonious, and use honest words to convey the truth they want to convey, with no mistake and no wrong impression. Your uncoupling should be as conscious as your coupling. “My partner doesn’t hear what I say!” This is a typical complaint. When callers ask for guidance, I have them tell me their situation and then together we find the words that convey what they mean yet are respectful and not accusatory.  I got a lot of response to Staying Conscious When Intentions Change: How to survive changes when lovers morph into platonic friends and asked for help with break up language.  I tend to think it can be as easy as “I wanted it to last, I wanted you to be the One. Now my mind is focusing on things other than relationship and I don’t want to do the boy/girl thing anymore.  Can you let me know how we might do this so we can stay friends?”   

To me it’s just being conscious. Be honest, don’t feel shame about what you think or how you feel. Let your partner know when your intentions change. Don’t lead anyone on. I came across my last partner in conversation with a mutual friend slamming me for stuff he never told me was an issue.  There was no reason for it. It’s easy to have amicable partings when everyone stays conscious. It only turns into Jerry Springer sh*t when one doesn’t speak up and the other feels lied to. The split isn’t the hurtful part. The lie does the damage. I did some quick research and found some sample break up scripts.  Here they are:

Reason: Lack of respect
Background:     Feeling disrespected in a relationship is absolutely a recipe for disaster.

Sample words to consider: “As much as I’d like to continue being in a relationship with you, I’ve felt disrespected by you at serious points in our relationship. Whether it’s your friends or mine, at home or in school, I feel like you don’t take what I say seriously, and you make me feel put down. Part of the problem is me. I should have stuck up for myself more, letting you know when I felt slighted. I take responsibility for that. But I just don’t see a way our relationship can continue after that.”

Reason: Manipulation
Background: Being in a manipulative relationship is like being in a straitjacket: the more you wriggle, the worse it seems to get. Keep away from abusive, manipulative relationships.

Sample words to consider: “I think our relationship has turned manipulative. I feel like you make feel guilty in order to get the things you want. I also feel like you deflect whenever I try to bring something up. These are not healthy things in a relationship, and I deserve some of the blame for letting them go on for so long. I’m not saying you’re a manipulative person; I’m just saying that our relationship has turned manipulative, and I don’t think it should continue.”

Reason: Cheating
Background: A relationship is between two people. When a third, uninvited person puts him/herself into the relationship, that’s almost always a sign that one person is dissatisfied or entered the relationship for the wrong reasons.

Sample words to consider: “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who’s in a relationship with someone else. I don’t care who the other person is. What I care about is why they’re there. I’m sorry that our relationship didn’t offer you everything you needed, but it’s not fair to be in two different relationships at the same time. I genuinely hope you find what you’re looking for somewhere else, which is why I think we should break up.”

Reason: Fallen out of love
Background: Lots of people break up for the simple reason that they’re just no longer in love. This can be the most painful scenario for the other person, because they didn’t do anything wrong.

Sample words to consider: “I’m ashamed and embarrassed to do this. But I think that we should break up. Over the last couple of months, I’ve realized that I’m no longer in love. I wanted to be in love with you so much that I convinced myself I had to be, at all costs. I know how unfair that is to you. I wish I could give you a better reason, but it’s honestly the truth.

Andrea’s words for this: “I wanted it to last, I wanted you to be the One. Now my mind is focusing on things other than relationship and I don’t want to do the boy/girl thing anymore.  Can you let me know how we might do this so we can stay friends?”

Type of Reaction  and Ways to Handle

– Anticipate that the person you’re breaking up with will probably have questions.
– Answer them as honestly and calmly as possible.
– Do not be rude or condescending.
– Keep answers short. Don’t let him or her drag you into a lengthy conversation.

– Prepare yourself for the possibility of crying.
– Comfort him or her as best you can.
– Show that you still care, even though you don’t want to continue the relationship.
– Do not allow the crying to cloud your judgment and play on your sympathy.

– Know that he or she will probably be defensive and may want to pull you into an argument.
– Do not engage in a fight. Walk away if necessary.

Bargaining or begging  
– He or she may offer to change. Do not believe it. Behaviors are hard to change.
– He or she may beg you to stay. It is not healthy to stay in a relationship because you feel sorry for the other person.
– Some people will say almost anything to get you to stay in the relationship. Be strong and follow through with the breakup.

Lashing out
– Keep in mind that anger and embarrassment are natural reactions to a breakup. Either may cause lashing out.
– Ignore any insults as best you can. Do not get involved in trading put-downs.
– If the person threatens violence toward you, people you care about, or your personal property, contact authorities.
– Name-calling may be overlooked, but if he or she makes you feel unsafe, report it immediately.    Original article here

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