You’ve seen the shows; Cheaters, where they get permission from the mate to use a hidden camera to catch a cheating spouse, who is then confronted by a very stern Joey Greco , with camera crew in tow. We get the whole blow up on camera. In one episode, we watched Greco get stabbed by a confronted spouse. The new reality show named Sex Decoys: Love Stings, goes a step further. In this one, lovers hire the set up of a sting operation to see if their partner will be tempted. We get to follow the sting and watch the confrontation, and there’s the added bonus of a follow up phone call. Without exception, the tempted take the bait, the blow up is ugly and in the follow up phone call has them often still together. WTF?
In the beginning of a new relationship, our focus is on discovering new things to love about our partner. Later we began introducing other thoughts into the mix. That’s because for most of us who don’t communicate well, we are living half of the relationship in our own mind. Our partner is not where we are at, but we don’t know that because we don’t talk about it. We have entire conversations in our head that cause us to have certain assumptions about the relationship and from those assumptions we begin to draw conclusions. And how we feel about those conclusions determines how we act and react toward our partner.
Often it is not that your lover is acting all that differently, you are simply beginning to let your attention wander away from every minute detail of his loveable-ness. Now you notice that he leaves his socks on the floor and doesn’t wash out his glass. He didn’t all along, but before now it was cute. Now you are allowing your thoughts to change your perception of him.
Instead of wondering, what will we be doing together next week and for the rest of our lives together, you already know what you’ll be doing next week and it’s laundry and overtime. At first you begrudged your job because it limited the hours you and he could spend together. Now you get ticked at him because he was supposed to be the white knight in shining armor, and it was easier to imagine him being that before who he was got in the way of it all. Damn him anyway.
Instead of planning delightful surprises for him, thinking up delicious meals and fun adventures in skimpy lingerie, you’re feeling neglected because he didn’t want go to the mall with you last week and that’s all you can focus on. That thought attracts another thought like it and pretty soon you’ve created this entire scenario in your head that he now has to defend himself against. He may come over all happy and huggy but when he gets that “I know what you’re up to” attitude from you, he’s not going to know what to do with it. And nothing changed except where you allowed your thoughts to go.
UH OH, LOTS OF MY BUDDIES WON’T LIKE THIS PART
I never want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, it’s as simple as that. So rejecting me is a favor and a boon from God. Rejection is protection 🙂 But I know that just because my partner can be tempted doesn’t mean they don’t love me and that I can’t have a happy life with them. It’s not what they are doing that causes the problem, it is my reaction to what I think about what they are doing that causes the arguments. If you’ve pledged to be monogamous with each other and feel a trust has been broken, simply leave if you feel you must, no need to argue and place blame. Move on. But know that intentions change, and we can live happier lives when we allow wiggle room for that.
Don’t fault an otherwise good partner simply because his vibes attracted someone to adore him, even if for just a few hours, and he acted on it. That could have been you making him feel that way. Despite laundry and overtime. Feel that he has jeopardized you with possible STDs? New routine: use a condom. Both get a check up. No biggie. Don’t make more of it than it needs to be. Don’t jeopardize your own happy life by making it an issue and having an attitude about it. Get over it and get okay with it or get out of it.
But then again, maybe not.
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