You probably saw it on the news or read about it: Jail house video just released reveals new details James Ward, charged in the high profile Orange County, Florida murder of his wife in their upper-class Isleworth home. Dancing During Their Prison Visit. Accused of Killing Wife, Man Goofs Off With His Daughter: Unsettling Footage Ward was cutting up and dancing for his daughter as she visited him in jail. The news reported that his behavior seemed to be very callous that his wife of 23 years is dead. The defense attorney said prosecutors will argue the laughing and dancing seen on the video recording is inconsistent with grieving. Even the daughter was seen making flippant, unemotional and surprising conversation with her father. “Your sense is, ‘This is inappropriate.’ That’s not uncommon, believe it or not,” Winter Park psychologist Dr. Deborah Day told Eyewitness News. Day, who testifies in criminal cases, says you can’t judge guilty or innocence from just watching the visits. “People respond in very unusual and often unpredictable ways.”
I was glad she said that and glad the news station did not edit it out. It irked me for years to hear people – and most popularly law enforcement – say that “grieving people do not behave that way“. That perception even made it into the media, on tv shows and in movies. It’s another one of those things that is absolutely not true, yet most people who don’t know any different from what they’ve been told automatically believe it. But they’ve been told by people who don’t know and have not experienced it first hand.
I have had a lot of personal death in my own life and, in my 22 years as a criminal defense paralegal, I’ve interacted with maybe thousands of people within hours and days of a death, usually from a violent crime. These were family members, these were witnesses, these were real people from a variety of ethnic, cultural and economic backgrounds, reacting in real ways. I’ve lost 3 husbands, 2 brothers, both parents, friends too numerous to mention. There is no standard mode of grief.
I have seen all kinds of behavior and know that the least likely grief reaction is someone sitting quietly looking sad and crying. How can that be? It’s because under traumatic conditions, our mind starts working overtime. The gracious widow at the wake who seems more concerned about the snacks and deli tray than about her husband who just passed. Her mind is going into high gear and giving her something to do while it takes time to process the traumatic event. It’s classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder behavior.
So an accused murderer joking and dancing with his daughter while she visits him in jail, where he is accused of killing their mother – is that surprising behavior? Again it’s all about perception. This is a man who, for whatever reason, has just undergone a horrific mental trauma and has been cut off for a week from those he loves. He has been in an unfamiliar and hostile environment. If he’s a drinker or substance user, he’s been detoxing for a week. If he’s guilty, we don’t know what emotional and psychological events led to it, but we do know he’s dealing with the realization and guilt of it. If he isn’t guilty, he’s got the added concern of looking at the rest of his life undeservedly in prison.
So, laughing with his daughter on camera, dancing and being playful – she’s his only emotional support during a trouble time – that behavior seems typical to me for someone, even when grieving. No matter what the outer circumstances, that visit was a welcome relief from his life of the past week, and relief makes us giddy. Relief gives us hope. We all get excited when we are hopeful about future possibilities. For Ward on that video, he had hope that those he loved cared for him as well. And he was doing it in joyful interaction with his daughter, not caring what anyone watching thought about it.
And if you think about it, our lives are lived so much less in our bodies than it is lived in our minds. We literally live in our mind, we live in our bank of thoughts, in our world of thoughts. So, during the prison visit, the media would have you see footage of some crazy acting folks. The participants, however, Ward and his daughter, in their minds were simply celebrating reunion and togetherness. Their perception was being glad to see each other and wanting to cheer and uplift the other.
Once again, it’s all about perception.
It’s never about anything else.
How to forgive and find closure if the other is unwilling, absent or dead