From 1992 to 1996 I was married to Lee. Lee was a troubled soul. In the 80’s, he’d served 6 years on a Texas prison for an alcohol-related incident in which his wife died. I met Lee when he paroled to Florida to live with his father. A DUI charge bought him into the law office where I worked and we immediately hit it off. Lee’s downfall was that he drowned himself daily in the self talk of his own mental anguish.
Lee was very handsome and very intelligent and he knew it. He could be charming and charismatic. He could use words to wound as well. For the most part, I didn’t let it get to me when he’d say mean and hurtful things in the midst of an argument. The arguments would always begin with some drunken comment that I’d just ignore. I knew he had his demons. I knew he was too afraid to face them sober. In an argument with his drunken wife years before, she died at his hands. Then he relived that scene in his mind almost daily the entire time I knew him, crushed by what he’d done.
I never felt in jeopardy with Lee, but it did make me sad to see him limit himself so much. He didn’t want to go out and socialize. He said it was because he had no good answer for “what do you do?” when asked. For me, the obvious answer was, he was an educator, he’d taught school for 10 years until his incarceration. Once he was out, he began managing his father’s investment accounts. He didn’t have to tell the incarceration part. But he had so much shame and remorse over his crime that he became like a zombie at home. He’d spend hours and days and weeks on the couch in front of the tv with the remote control. His attitude let me know he was bored and depressed. He refused to go to any meetings or counseling or to make friends. Since it was right in front of me, I couldn’t help but notice it. Thanks for joining me in your chain of pain…
Lee was adopted, he had grown up as an only child and he demanded a lot of attention. That could get tiring when I had other things going on. It wasn’t fun for me to come home after a day’s work and find him pouting in front of the tv, having done nothing all day. He had no direction, nothing interested him, he had no goals. His dad had come into a little money so Lee didn’t have to work. He was an accomplished artist yet had no interested in picking up the paints. An avid reader, he’d lost interest in that as well. So all day, every day and every night I got to watch him lie around and be bummed out, running his old self-hateful thoughts in his head.
My fatal flaw had been thinking “oh I can fix him!” in my bright shiny Pollyanna way. Yes, that’s how I used to roll. I’ve come a long way, baby. I’d suggest he change his self talk to be more positive and productive, to keep him aimed where he wants to go. I suggested he find a direction he wants to go, and that he set some goals. He pretended he didn’t know where to start.
I told him some of mine were: we all want to have a happy life and good family and friends to share it with. We want to be well thought of, we want to live comfortably and have enough money to do what we’d like to do. We’d like to find new things to keep our interest, to find life meaningful and to feel we’re making a contribution somehow. We know that all things are possible and anyone can do it, and to hold hope for the future. Remembering that was key. I printed him a self talk script that I used to train my mind with replacement thoughts that included:
I know I am in charge of my own wellbeing.
I know that what comes to me is a result of how I think about life and how I react to it.
It helps me stay focused on the good that is happening in my Now if I do not watch the news or listen to other’s people’s complaints and worries and theories and opinions.
I know that I do not need to attract more good into my life, I merely need to release my resistance to the good that is already available to me.
I know that I release resistance whenever I do something that is purely fun and enjoyable to me, when I do something that makes me be in the Now, that lets me be happy and lose time in the doing of it. For me that can be gardening, sewing, sketching, painting, woodworking. Something that requires my complete and focused attention yet is fun and fulfilling.
I’ve found that nothing can help me release resistance more than driving somewhere new, visiting a new place and doing unfamiliar things.
I know that anytime I look for the positive aspects in any situation, I find them.
I know anytime I sit and make a list of the people I love and the things I appreciate, something in me switches on and I feel better.
I know when I feel better, I suddenly see all sorts of opportunity around me that I didn’t notice before.
When I see more opportunity available to me, I feel excited about the possibilities.
When I feel excited about the possibilities, Life expands around me and good things begin happening.
When I feel happy and excited, I know that’s the time for effective creative visualization, and I begin running the best case scenario “what ifs” through my imagination.
When I begin to doubt, I simply repeat these thoughts.
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It began to dawn on Lee about the time he was made to sober up after his DUI conviction violated his parole and sent him back to prison. Too late, you may say, but it was perfect timing. After a year he began teaching to the pre-release prisoners and he’d always stress to them the importance of being in charge of your own self talk. Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy. Lighten up while you still can.
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