I have no pics like these of your man
It’s been fun going thru old pics from the 70’s-90s, remembering fun times and reconnecting with friends I once shared a moment with. It’s a perfect example of how the relationship karma of this month’s Venus retrograde thru Sept 6th is playing out in my life. Seeing pics taken of former partners in past relationships had me meditate upon each one. I searched my inner archives to find any remnants of unresolved issues. I found a few. These were all good men. Mostly, we were young, we were growing and changing. We were meant to connect for part of each other’s journey but we were not each other’s final destination. For the most part, we’d already run into each other years later, had our exit interview and laughed about old times. I was reminded of two with whom I’d parted bitterly. I reflected on my part in the demise of both relationships. In each, the bottom line was that in marrying each, I’d essentially accepted a job I’d lied about my qualifications to get. It’s easy to see things in retrospect. I was brought up thinking we have to have a partner and marry them, so I kept doing that. It took me decades to discover I’m not happy in domestic life. It would be fun playing house during the infatuation periods, but I always had solitary projects going on I couldn’t wait to get back to. I learned cohabiting is not for me. I don’t share space well. I spend so much time in conversation with people for work, that on my leisure time I bask in the silence.
Basically, I’ve been the problem in most relationships. I’m selfish and not compromise oriented. I feel compromise is two people each settling for less than they really want. Don’t talk to me about sacrifice. My priority is to feel free and independent; my priority is not to choose a partner and stick it out no matter how much we change and no matter how bad it gets. Periodically I’ll come across a partner I feel that way about, but I’ve learned that feeling passes. That’s the side effects of the infatuation chemicals flooding my brain. It’s just not for me.
In the case of my two former partners, disappointed people do hurtful things to each other. I’ve grown out of it enough to take responsibility for hurtful actions taken in youth, and be able to apologize. So by the time I was looking at their photos now, decades later, it was good to discover there was no one I had a negative charge about.
I find headshot pics are like pancakes: I have to toss the first thousand. I was surprised by a few pics of myself during the 90’s as those were my “fat forties.” I’m glad I got that under control. Let me back up: Earlier this week I’d discovered a giant box of hard copy photos from the 70’s thru the 90’s. I spread them out atop the table in the living room. I preliminarily began to sort into decades, then into sub headings for jobs and husbands during that decade. Each set of photos was in a photolab envelope on which I’d written the dates and who were in the photos. Once they were sorted, I began going through each individual envelope, tossing out the paper ads and discarding duplicates and error pics. Half the job was pulling apart the photos since the humidity over the years had stuck some of them together. Surprisingly not many, though. So far I’ve filled a 33 qt recycle bin. I’ve been scanning and sending pics of their childhood selves to friends and family members.
I was pleased to discover I didn’t have a negative charge when seeing anyone’s photo
A pal asked, “Isn’t it awkward to reconnect with a bunch of exes to give them pics that are 30-40 years old?” No, because (1) I’m an adult and (2) I don’t think of them as exes, I think of them as friends. Everyone has a different life now but we shared a moment in time. I got a kick out of being reminded of it and thought they and their family might also.
I’m not sending pics of us together, just them on their own. I wouldn’t send anything they’d not want their parents, spouse and children to see. Mostly, the purging of pics included any that were unflattering, no closed eyes, no giant bites of food with mouth half open. And no, I don’t have naked photos of your husband.
I was glad to discover I felt at peace with each former partner. That I didn’t feel anything was left unsaid, even with the two for whom the ending was bitter. Having found my place in it and forgiven myself for broken promises with someone I’d agreed to partner with, it didn’t matter if we ever spoke again in this lifetime or not. I felt complete. I had no unanswered questions.
So going through the old photos has been a very freeing exercise. A weekend of deeply honest self reflection years after the fact is powerful and invaluable therapy. That is the biggest take away lesson from this Venus Retrograde’s relationship karma. It’s never too late to resolve a long ago issue, with people living or dead.
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