Laughing at myself

I got a little irked recently.  I spoke with a friend last week about a situation and they made a comment about a red flag.  Hours afterward, I emailed to explain I was not blind to what they see as a red flag, and I explained why.  It was something I struggled putting into writing since it was a private matter.  I felt it was an important foundation for them to know about me.  I wrestled with myself whether I should send it or not and finally did.  Then I let them know I’d sent it and that it was of a sensitive and important nature — to me.  A week later they’re just opening it.  I love it when my feelings get hurt over stupid stuff like this because it shows me how attached I can get to nonsense that doesn’t really matter in the long run.  I love it when friends take something I hold dear and treat it like debris because it reminds me of the impermanence of everything. I’m serious.  If  I can’t laugh at it, I haven’t learned from it yet.   ”sall good.

An update with the .25mg xanax I’ve been taking for anxiety this week. I take less than 1.25mg every other day.  The moth at my front door the past 10 days is a brilliant iridescent glowing green, gold and amber. With the xanax, it’s a plain brown moth. This is the kind of dumbing down of the senses I don’t like about prescription meds.  Don’t get me wrong, it kicks the temporary anxiety, but I don’t want to live in a world this small and dull all the time. Continue reading →

A spiritual life is not about finding ways to feel good.  It’s not about how to get guidance on how to stay safe in this world.  A spiritual life means that you excavate your false gods, fears, and illusions that hold you prisoner in this world.  You face these false powers and free yourself from them.  Facing personal myths and purging yourself of addictions or manipulative habits require strength, courage, humility, faith  and other qualities of a soul with stamina, because you are not just changing yourself, you’re changing the Universe.  Your soul is a compass.  Change one coordinate in your spiritual compass and you change your entire life’s direction.    Caroline Myss

God can speak to you from anywhere or anything, in any way, if you expect him to and if look in everything, even perceptions of evil.  We deceive ourselves and rob ourselves of heaven on earth if we aren’t pretty much constantly looking for the good and the magic and the unifying.  For real.  You think my life is easy because I’m lucky? No I just expect that whatever’s going on, I can find my way.

Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again.

I wrote two weeks ago that I got relief from my acute anxiety with the .25 Xanax (Alprazolam) I’d been prescribed.    I’m not used to meds so I’ve been doing one twice during the day and then 2-3 at night every other night or so while I’m in this stress period.   I’m also taking calcium and B vitamins with it.   It takes the anxiety away and lets  me stay asleep a solid 5 hours the nights I take it rather than the 3-4 hours I’m used to.  It also dumbs me down a little, but that may be overstimulation from the stress.  I can’t attribute it categorically to the Xanax. It makes me not care whether I eat healthy food or not, it makes me think of sugar and processed foods, things I don’t typically eat.  I don’t eat them but it makes me want them.  And while I don’t wake up with anxious or worrisome thoughts racing through my head, I also don’t wake up with creative thoughts and motivations for the day as I usually do.   Continue reading →

The end of a long and active overnight.  The good news is it’s nearly dawn and I can finally wind down and nap.  As usual, there is no bad news… only many ways to learn to be grateful for lessons I don’t yet understand.

I now have a nice long scratch on my left forearm from carrying too many palmetto fronds, but it rather balances the ding and bruise on the right shin from yesterday’s wheelbarrow fiasco. I also just watered the back tree line of turk’s cap, crepe myrtle and arborvitae. The mulberry tree is bare but the loquats are coming full on.