True Valentine’s Day story. I had a 3 day weekend one President’s Day in the early 80’s and decided to go on a cruise out of Miami to Nassau. I didn’t even consider that it was also Valentine’s Day weekend. The entire cruise was couples, with very few solo. The Greek crew members all paid special attention to the single women and it was quite a fiasco, since I like hanging out alone. I also got seasick for the first time ever, after having been on small boats my whole life. When I went into Nassau, I saw my father and his wife on the cover of The Sunday Miami Herald when I’d not been prepared for the story. It was quite the memorable Valentine Day weekend. Here’s pdf of the article I saw –> Hermits Face Disruptions in Big Cypress Hideaway.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. (From Essential Rumi by Coleman Barks) I’m grateful for each one of you, sent to me as a guide. You are truly my valentines.
So why don’t I have a valentine today? I don’t have a valentine now because I’m a workaholic woman with a mission and that takes up my days and nights. The past dozen years anyway. It mostly happens because I place priority on the things I am most interested in and passionate about. When that happens to be a project rather than a boyfriend, that’s where the trouble comes in. I think it comes down to a conscious choice of where do I want to place my attention? What draws me the most?
I don’t meet the wrong men. I’ve never had a bad boyfriend or husband. In retrospect, each one of them was a vibrational match to me at the time. I’ve had fun with all of them, we got along fine. It’s just that, in looking back, my pattern has been for mates and employers to last about 3 years each. After that I was ready for a job change and ready to live alone again. Sometimes I just woke up and didn’t feel it anymore. Having a monastic background makes it easy for me to think of men as my spiritual brothers, and no lover wants to hear, “Hey pal, I just think of you as a friend and brother now.” Big buzz kill.
When I figured out there was a pattern, I stopped pair bonding so I could ponder the meaning of it. I found an astrological corelation with the planet Saturn as it travels through my zodiacal houses; a corelation to lessons being learned at that time as evidenced by my daily journal entries. But I mostly found I like to spend time doing the things that catch my attention in a strong way, things that are fulfilling to me. Every few years I’ll run across someone and we’ll really click and hang out for awhile. In getting to know someone, I can tell how alike or dissimilar we are. I have very few Dont’s about the guys I hang out with, but they are important and they are deal breakers.
They don’t show up drunk. We share some mutual interests. They have thoughts and ideas and the ability to express them. They are financially self sufficient and have the means to pay their bills. They are fairly conscious, optimistic, with discipline over their emotions. I have no time for someone who is constantly critical, complaining and pessimistic, or so neurotic they can’t keep it under control.
Not such a long list, is it? Let me list some of my favorites through the years. This is not chronological. RH was a lot like me, a writer, a 12th house Aries, an intense interest in meditation. He had a brilliant mind and he took Lithium for his Bipolar Disorder. My dad was Bipolar, so I knew the drill. RH would alternate on and off his meds, and in and out of being socially functional. I was tiring of the roller coaster ride about the time he became more reclusive. Years later, we are still friends and email from time to time.
RB was a favorite husband of the 80’s, handsome, fun, financially stable, good common sense, but he had custody of a daughter who was hell on wheels from age 10 to 13, when I finally said “enough.” I was so NOT made to be a mom. From the day they moved out, we’ve never spoken. He no longer lives in town. I’m sure I owe him many an apology. In 2015 I was glad to reconnect with his daughter on Facebook.
MD was a very fun favorite boyfriend of the 80’s. He was a bartender and server at an upscale restaurant and all his fellow workers were very fun, get off work at midnight and party people. Peter Pan at his finest. We had a blast together. His downfall was he began doing coke and I’m kinda square and think that’s a bad drug. His story is I tossed him out. My story is it took me three days to find him to give him his stuff back. We’re friends still and speak from time to time.
Who else? There was CR who had a 9 to 5 job and was interested in many of the things I was. We spent hours talking on topics and just hanging out together in the evenings. We are both interested in personal growth and so early on told each other what our bad habits in past relationships have been. He told me he had self esteem issues and in the past had allowed women to take care of him. That tipped the balance of power and changed how he felt about them, and made him lose respect for them. He did not drink or drug but spent a lot of time gambling at a local club. He always had money problems. A few months in, a week after I told him I wasn’t going to pay for everything all the time anymore, he sent me an email saying he did not want to spend time with me anymore. Rejection is protection. Years later, we’re still friends.
DG was a real favorite, kind, sensitive, thoughtful, caring, industrious, smart, creative, fun, adventurous. His downfall was wrong time, wrong place. I was going through a period of wanting solitude and he was coming out of a period of solitude, wanting a forever partner. I wanted to want that. He married a mutual friend and they are both very good friends of mine and we speak often.
MB was the most recent, we had gardening and native plants in common, we had fun doing a newsletter together and we liked the same kind of music. He told me he didn’t drink alcohol and that he took prescription drugs for depression. His downfall was he could be very pessimistic and oh, right, showing up drunk at my door, after being told Don’t show up drunk, call and cancel and it will be cool. My bad was not letting him know the first time how serious I was, especially since he combines the rx and drinking. After the second time, I told him I wouldn’t do that again. We’re still friends and speak from time to time.
They were all the perfect boyfriend at the time. It took me a long time to realize that boyfriends don’t have to turn into husbands and marriage doesn’t have to last forever and fighting doesn’t mean you get divorced. I’ve learned to just enjoy the Now, whatever is in my Now at the time. That means whether I have a Valentine or not.
And mostly I don’t have a Valentine because I’ve learned: if it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it.
Andrea
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