Learn to speak your mind, communication is vital | Andrea de Michaelis – Creating my own reality, one thought at a time

One thing I always talk with new friends about is being honest in our communication. That means speaking our minds freely, not holding back out or sugar coating it or making hints instead of outright saying it. So when a friend gets angry yet they mask it and don’t tell me, that does neither of us any good. If they hint around about something and I don’t change, I clearly didn’t get their hint. That doesn’t help the relationship. How do I know to stop chewing gum if you don’t tell me it bugs you? And if you know when to walk away and don’t, that dishonors both of us.

I know the importance of words and their effect on people who hear them, so I never say what I don’t mean, even in anger. A friend told me once after an angry outburst, saying first one thing, then another: “Isn’t it clear that I don’t know what I want?” How wise to have that glimpse into self and be able to admit it.

I once asked a friend when he was going to get around to doing xxx that he’d promised months before. He’d said to remind him in 3 months, and when I did, he flew off the handle and read off a list of things I did that annoyed him and he stormed out. Things were never the same again. I don’t understand why someone would react like that. Why not just answer the question? He never answered it, he cut me off completely.

As far as not telling someone what is bothering you, I can understand wanting to avoid telling someone who responds by verbal confrontation. I believe there’s never a reason to lose your temper and go into screaming mode. The only thing you’re ever mad at anyway is someone failing to meet your expectation.

If I have a question, I ask it. If something bothers me, I say it, in the moment of it. Oh I may let something slide a time or two, but if it really bothers me, I mention it. No, you can’t eat or smoke in my car. Ok, your dog or kid can visit once. Once. Yes, I like it when you put your dishes in the sink, thank you. No vague hints, nothing left unsaid, no guesswork, no misunderstanding. Most importantly, no one’s time wasted, it’s all out front and center. When everything is discussed, nothing gets bottled up so there’s never a reason for a blow up.

A galpal last year said she delayed for two weeks telling me to please shower and use deodorant after gardening if we were going to lunch. I laughed because she’s right, I didn’t always shower and I seldom wear deodorant. No one ever mentioned it before. Yet it bothered her and she chose to endure it and not tell me it was an issue, allowing me to offend who knows who else for those two weeks? Not wanting to hurt my feelings? What I find offensive is someone who won’t speak their mind when they have something to say. Someone who thinks a topic like this would “hurt my feelings” yet letting me be offensive to everyone else is “okay.”

An ex once told his new flame we didn’t break up earlier because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. More hurtful was sticking around and pretending to be into it when we both knew it’s not a good match and we’re both ready to move on. Big time waster for everyone! We could have parted as friends but he had no prior role model for that so he had to blow up. Don’t hold someone back, cut them loose the second the feeling for them passes. I welcome it when friends call me on my stuff as they do it to honor and improve our relationship with each other.