In a recent reading with Domino, we talked about her relationship with her new man. “Like most men, he thinks my body is ready the moment he gets an erection.” They’ve known each other 2 years and just recently became lovers. Now she’s wondering if she made a mistake and if they’re on the way to ruining their friendship. She and I have talked about this before with her previous lovers. The simple answer is (1) know what you like, then (2) tell him and show him. If you’re intimate enough with this man to have sex with him, you’re intimate enough to discuss it with him. If you know what your body responds to, honor him by telling him the sequence of touch and caress that gets you there. If he forgets and acts hastily, slow him down and remind him. At first, if he’s not trained to be real conscious about sex, be prepared for him to get his feelings hurt and stop altogether. Believe me, that’s preferable to faking an orgasm and becoming more and more unsatisfied without him knowing it. If he has to be continually reminded, she has to decide if it’s worth the hassle.
He typically initiates interest and she thinks she is initiating foreplay by touching him. He obliges her by lying back and allowing it. Then he thinks she’s ready for intercourse when he is. As far as he’s concerned, that’s enough foreplay. Since she hasn’t told him she’s not nearly ready, he doesn’t know it. His mind is on his own needs. Not wanting to cause yet another argument over it because he “refuses to remember what she likes,” she doesn’t say anything. She hastens it to be over, fakes yet another orgasm, walks away unsatisfied and takes care of it later on her own, all the while letting the resentment build up inside her until she calls me. That’s no way to deepen the bond between them and that’s also no way to train him.
She balks at having to remind him, saying “If he loved me, he’d remember.” It can be simply a case of her having trained him to be selfish and thinking they are done when he’s done. If he’s not conscious in other areas of life, don’t expect him to be conscious of her needs in bed. In cases like this, my suggestion is to train him. If he doesn’t take well to training and continues to ignore your needs, decide whether the rest of the relationship is worth it. And don’t just stay there because he pays the bills. That’s way too high a price to pay.
A comment from my illumined real life friend Robert Goldberg: “A man who “only cares about his own pleasure,” especially if he “keeps forgetting,” may need to be kept in the friend zone. Every woman deserves better.
We all deserve better. And it’s not just lovers. We train people how to treat us by how we act and react with them, and by what we allow them to get away with. Family, friends, coworkers, everyone. How do yours treat you and when will enough be enough?
Cherokee Proverb: “A woman’s highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite him with Source. Her lowest calling is to seduce, separating man from his soul and leave him aimlessly wandering. A man’s highest calling is to protect woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed. Man’s lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into the life of a woman.”