Paula Renee writes: Will You Be My Next Soul Mate? The idea of a soul mate is very romantic. To meet someone else in this world of billions who shares your same values, interests, desires, and goals is an exhilarating notion, don’t you think? It’s possible to meet someone who, at any given moment in time, is at the same place you are geographically and spiritually. But to think two people can remain on a joint wavelength over many, many years is, in my mind, a set up for failure. Yet, we continue to watch those silly movies that end in “happily ever after” and fool ourselves into thinking it’s real. Enter the narcissistic sociopath. A master at making the magic SEEM real just long enough to send you spiraling into a fog. The narcissist as our “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde.
Why do they work so quickly? Narcissistic sociopaths can’t stand to be alone, and they fear being abandoned. At first, knowing this may make you want to pity such an unfortunate creature and help him change his attitude about life, love, and relationships. But don’t be fooled. The narcissist has no interest in changing. He subconsciously enjoys and feeds off of his own self-destructive nature.
On the surface, it doesn’t seem like that is possible. But once you start learning about his past relationships and how he coped by blaming “them” and not himself, you start to wonder. How could such a romantic and loving guy always end up losing the girl? Or falling out of love with her?
I have come to understand the following: the narcissist simply enjoys being in the throes of the newness of love. The newness of first meeting and the ego boost/narcissistic supply is intoxicating to him; and he blossoms at this stage (like we all do, right?) But the narcissist takes this stage to the extreme and foolishly believes and expects it to last for eternity. He creates and shares romantic visions of the future. He talks about growing old together. He puts his love interest on a pedestal. She is the most beautiful, the smartest, the best mother, the most ambitious. He never wants to leave her side or spend a night without her. And he says these things to her repeatedly, like a mantra or a prayer, that is meant to hypnotize her into full and complete submission. This is when he plants his seeds of control and domination, the foundation for future abuse.
The woman inhales and ingests his words. The words make her think he is a man who has spent his entire life looking for the perfect woman and has FINALLY found her. She is “The One.” She feels special. She feels unique. But little does she know that his words to her are the exact same words he used with every single woman who came before her. He used them on his first wife. He used them on his fiancée that he proposed to just days after he kicked his wife out of his house. He used them on the new woman he proposed to after he kicked his fiancée out of his house. And so on. There is NOTHING unique or exceptional about her, about YOU! The only thing unique and exceptional about you is that you came AFTER them. You are next in line. The narcissist never learned from his previous relationships. He may tell you he has and that he never makes the same mistake twice. That just means he never makes the same mistake twice with the same person. There’s a difference.
You are fresh and pure and filled with naiveté and ignorance about what is inevitably going to sneak up on you and slap you in the face. You are not his soul mate; you are not the one. You are his “right now” that he hopes he can control. The ones who came before you were crazy because they were out of his control. They weren’t “out of control” just out of HIS control. And to him that equals crazy. If you know who you are and like yourself, you’ll be the next one who becomes out of control. The next one he calls crazy. Just wait and see.
If the narcissistic sociopath’s idea of a soul mate is wrong, then what IS a Soul Mate?
A soul mate is a person who wants to be your best friend as much as he wants to be your lover.
A soul mate praises you when you need praise. A soul mate never tries to diminish your successes.
A soul mate doesn’t expect or even desire perfection. A soul mate accepts you as you are but encourages you if you seek to better yourself. A soul mate never says your efforts will be in vain.
A soul mate nurtures you when you need nurtured. A soul mate can sense when you are feeling weak and tries to lift you up. A soul mate doesn’t use your moment of weakness to bring you down further.
A soul mate never blames you for anything; instead, a soul mate helps you come up with a solution.
A soul mate allows you to blossom and pursue all of your interests even if it means making new friends and being separated for a little while. A soul mate never feels jealous of others you share a bond.
A soul mate respects your mind and respects your family and respects your past mistakes and past successes. A soul mate never belittles or shames you.
A soul mate sets you free and never tries to control who you talk to, where you shop, what you buy, when you buy it, how you dress, how you walk, how you love your children, or ANY action that makes you the person you were born to be.
A soul mate exists for each of us but it takes work, dedication, care, and lots and lots of patience and love for a “happily ever after.”
We create the magic in our own lives. It doesn’t just happen. Don’t be fooled by those pushy narcissists who have no idea how to love themselves let alone love another. Peace.