I just found this file, written in the 90’s. Some things never change.  “My thoughts after attending an annual, popular metaphysical/spiritual conference:  These are the judgmental thoughts I’ve been having after being privy to after hours conversations after some might’ve had a few too many drinks. People who write egotistical press copy about themselves to work the system to become the next celebrity speaker/teacher. Witness a conversation a dozen years ago at one conference: two speakers about becoming famous, it was after the Celestine Prophecy went big. What storyline to create, what products to weave into them and get into the market, what courses to create, etc.  People who constantly self reference and self promote and market.  People who ingratiate themselves with others to be hosts for their local events, yet all the while talking behind their back. People who are public teachers and yet privately judge (like me right now) and disparage and criticize. People who, throughout their talks, continually talk about what they’ve done and how important they are.

Why should I care if people talk about their proudest moments? Who am I to judge what makes someone else proud? People who are all about the personal celebrity.  People who talk to me about their product in a real sales pitch way.  At the conferences, I hesitate talking to many of the vendors because I am just tired of being solicited to.  I used to be very excited about the authors and speakers when the material was fresh and new to me. Now everything seems to be just a diluted rehash and I find myself judging that as well.

Note to self: now go back later and for each thought above, reframe the thought to clarify what it is I want to be focused upon instead. Don’t try to figure out what it is mirroring to me if I have to struggle with it. What I judge in those people is somehow a lesson or a mirror to me. Maybe it is just showing me where I judge so I can stop judging that. Make a list of what I love about the work I do. What kind of presentations I might be interested in? Is self help the field for me? How can I get excited about the work again if I feel it’s turned into a marketing mill? What aspects of it do I fully enjoy? Helping people become self aware and self actualized. How can I stay focused on what I enjoy and not all the ones in the field that I criticize? Garrison Keillor did a bit today about new agey something and he made it sound like a very spacey subculture, incense, yoga, windchimes, meditation, all with ambient music and tabla and crystal bowls.  It made it sound very underground hippie-ish.  I know that is the perception. Do I care that that is the impression?

How does anyone’s impression of anything figure into what I want to be doing or what I feel my mission is. Do I need to redo my mission statement? The proof that I’m over-thinking this is all these words I’ve typed here. I don’t need to change my mission, I just need to change my perception of my mission.  And don’t worry about what anybody else is doing, or why.”