Would you marry your married lover? | Andrea de Michaelis – Creating my own reality, one thought at a time

With past partners, she ended up having to row the boat on her own. She knows it will be different this time.

A friend is marrying the latest love of her life. They’re having a commitment ceremony without the legal confines – the best of both worlds – since her latest is still married. The heart connection is what matters, though, not the legal status. She doesn’t care to legally share in his marital debt anyway. A piece of paper doesn’t keep someone with you; love does, and trust. She doesn’t know his past history in honoring commitments, but knows it must be a vibrational match to her own. The questions she is starting to wonder about now are: How did his past relationships end? What is his relationship with his family, with his wife, his children, his parents, his brothers and sisters? What is his relationship with his employer? His past employers? With his friends? If it’s a commitment ceremony, she’d like to know he has a history of doing what he says he’ll do.

Maybe they won’t call it a commitment ceremony, it’s more a celebration of love ceremony, anyway. She doesn’t mind that he may have unresolved baggage from the past, she’s not concerned with that, she’s got some of her own. She doesn’t believe that how he treats anyone from his past is how he will treat her. She’s concerned with him being honest about whatever it is that she is being invited to share in relationship with him. She’s concerned with him doing what he says he’ll do since they have many dreams together.

With past partners, she has ended up having to row the boat on her own if she was to reach her destination. She knows it will be different this time. She knows this can be whatever they make it. So they’ll have their celebration of love and hope and not worry about commitment or what’s come before. She likes that name better: A Celebration of Love and Hope. She was never much for commitment herself anyway.

Some Facebook comments received when I posted this:

How do you have a commitment ceremony with someone who is in a legal commitment relationship? Seems like there would be a third person in this relationship. Have they asked the other person what he or she feels about the current relationship?

That’s honestly the only way it can work, if all agree. Open, honest communication is 100% vital.

All the best to them, however, I could not do it. To me this would symbolise committing to being the other woman in a mans life. Again, I wish for them the best and hope their commitment brings them what they are looking for. xxx

If this guy’s wife doesn’t know what is going on than I think the whole thing is based in a lie and is very sad and delusional. If his wife knows than more power to them all! Nothing like that can go right if someone is being deceived and hurt in the process.

So, in other words he is committing adultery and she is still his mistress, but they are lovingly committed? The whole relationship is a lie and built in dirty soil. She doesn’t want to know how his wife and children feel? Is that because she doesn’t want to feel guilty about ruining a marriage?

Andrea de Michaelis: The wife has not been contacted. They have their reasoning behind it, but right now they’re both focused forward and not backward.

sounds like they just want to have a party and nobody’s birthday is soon enough so they’re going to celebrate hope and change. everybody gets liquored up, there’s some hot ‘committed’ sex and no one wakes up the next day anymore married than they were.

There’s a few red flags of disappointment here… First “She doesn’t know his past history in honoring commitments”… If she’s expecting a commitment to be honored, he’s already dishonoring the current one by not being honest with all parties involved. Second “The questions she is starting to wonder about now are: How did his past relationships end? What is his relationship with his family, with his wife, his children, his parents, his brothers and sisters? What is his relationship with his employer? His past employers? With his friends?” If she doesn’t know any of this, family, friends, work, etc then she doesn’t know him. She’s barely involved with his life. I would suggest open & honest communication above all. If you have no open & honest communication about your life, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, then you don’t have much.

Putting on my none judgment hat here. I can say being a mistress had its own advantages. She is going in knowing that he is married. Having a love life secured leaves a lot of energy for other things. It could be a very freeing experience. It will take its toll on him since the wife does not know. He will need to monitor is health closely.

Love does conquer all but by definition love is open, accepting, inviting. Fear is closed, shut off & guarded. This relationship isn’t very LOVING.

It should not matter if she does not know about his relationship with others. If as she has said she has ended up in the past “rowing the boat by herself to reach her destination.” She may have to prepare for more of the same. Where we plant our seeds is important. Good fertile soil is important, to ignore that some toxic chemicals are incorporated into that soil is looking for some surprises to surface. No judgement on her or their situation. I hope all turns out well for them both.

So, he doesn’t talk to his children? That would be a red flag for me!

my 2 cents….If they do it with you…they’ll do it to you. I do believe in second chances….but, a person’s past behaviors have to be taken into consideration.

I agree about the not having contact with his kids! I would assume and could be wrong, that he does not participate in supporting them financially either? I couldn’t be with someone like that. But that is just my two cents and I realize that sometimes it’s much easier to judge other people and what they do than to concentrate on my own life and work on the things I need to change on my side of the fence.

I think it does matter how he treated people from the past. That behavior will probably continue. And if he has children he hasn’t talked to in several years—that’s a huge red flag.

Andrea de Michaelis: he left a few years ago, doesn’t talk to them, no financial support. My friend trusts he has good reason. I’m a believer in keep it conscious and clean up the past so it doesn’t backfire into your happy Now. To each their own.

Do men really change? Many never do. If he discarded his kids, I can’t go along with that. Is he afraid to get a divorce?

This woman is in love with the man she knows. The man she does not know is the man I would be concern about. I wish love conquered all but I have too many clients that have been defeated because they depended on love as if it would fix everything.

I did it – My husband was married to another woman when we met. Their marriage was already over and he had already told the kids he would be leaving before he met me. We never have had a trust issue- NEVER. She’s a very different person compared to me. And in 22 years, he has never lied to me. We have a great relationship with his kids- live with one of them now. The only person he left behind was his ex.

He is living a lie, A lie to his wife, kids, family, friends. Not sure why she needs him. Does she live lies to herself?

How can anyone walk away from their children? My ex did that, they were 4 & 6. They are now 30 & 29 and have lots of issues with relationships. My daughter treats men like crap until they leave and my son does everything for his who treats him like crap.

“She doesn’t know his past history in honoring commitments,” Uh, YES she does unless she’s completely clueless and deliberately won’t face reality. A person who cheats on his/her spouse has LOUDLY advertised their ability to honor commitment, it is only the foolhardly paramour who thinks “he/she won’t do that to ME…” A leopard doesn’t change its spots. Wake up or you’ll be just another notch in the bedpost of blind-love.

Oh dear, I just read == “The wife is not sick no he has just not contacted her since he left them a few years ago” == What a guy! Is this the type of person any woman would want to be with? Someone who walks away and not only avoids conflict but harms the woman he took an oath to ‘love honor and cherish’ until separation of death? What does the lover think he will do to HER? Probably treat her worse, because the lover has no contract. Ladies are so pathetic and will do anything (and convince themselves of “true love”) rather than be alone in their own skin. This is headed to disaster. Can see it a mile away.

I would DEFINITELY not marry a man who would date while he’s still legally committed. If he would date you while married, he would date someone else while married to YOU!