I think I am figuring it out. I wrote earlier at Online Dating and Hot Singles about a dozen + friends I have on the different online dating services. They report to me all their adventures and it’s a great peek inside the dating life. I love it when I can see enough of the same thing going on that the patterns start to emerge. I am never surprised by someone’s kinks and pecadillos, no matter how conservative they may outwardly appear. I learned, working for criminal defense attorneys for 22 years, that people are seldom who they seem to be. I’m never surprised to learn the person I thought I knew for 30 years was either the secret philanthropist or the serial killer. And we see this in movies all the time: the pretty, sweet young thang is attracted to the bad boys. Some of my buddies are very conservative looking and acting, intelligent, successful women who are spiritual seekers, yet they have a definite wild side and like the drama. Why is that?
I am sure someone has a theory about the bad boy mystique and if I Google that phrase I’ll come up with a millions hits or something, but I think it all boils down to one thing, at least for the spiritual seeker: bad boys are in motion. Bad boys are doing something. Sure, something that gets them labelled as bad, but at least they have a life and they have something they are passionate about. My friend Taylor has been seeing this guy who doesn’t really have one steady job or doesn’t really have it all together, but he’s always got a plan and somehow keeps his head above water without her having to support him. And he’s witty, attractive, personable, even charming and charismatic, intelligent, likeable. And always in motion toward something. Always with some idea or plan that keeps him motivated.
Like many people at mid life, at our age we are often forced to reinvent ourselves and start over as partners pass or move on. The uncertainty of starting over from scratch teaches you to be humble and flexible. So when Taylor’s boyfriend goes into his typical spacey and scattered mode, she doesn’t mind because he’s so much fun and so interesting otherwise. And the bottom line is he somehow keeps it together well enough to support himself and be a fun companion. His antics really inspire her to be more creative as well. Taylor is a singer/songwriter and what better fuel for songwriting than relationship angst antics?
I have experienced that I get more creative ideas when I am in a relationship, even platonic friendships, with someone who is a bolt of light. Every few years I’ll come across someone I click with, who really makes me think and stirs my mind into greater activity. I like when that happens and I have learned to use that extra charge of energy I feel, and channel it into fuel for my creative visualization and pre-paving.
THIS IS WHAT I TELL MY FRIENDS IN THE DATING SERVICES: Stay in the mystery as long as you can. Remember that 3/4 of your work in the law of attraction is the visualizing – as often as you can – about the happy outcome as you wish it to turn out. Do a lot of fantasizing and pretending and creat-ive visualization about “oh he/she could be the one” while you are in that initial stage of infatuation. That feeling you get when you are infatuated is the energy that moves mountains and it is the mechanism by which you attract what want. You harness this energy for use every time you have a good feeling emotion about something you like, and then purposefully direct your attention to something else you’d like to attract.
My friend Domino is attracted to very quiet, shy, lifeless guys. They are not much motivated to do other than work, sleep and watch tv. It doesn’t matter what their opinions are on anything, they aren’t going to share it, so she doesn’t have to listen to it. Her boyfriends usually end up working for her. She has a legion of minions she used to date, so maybe that is her m.o. She said the secret to keeping a relationship with the shy, quiet, lifeless type is to constantly fill in the blanks herself. That way she can let them be part of the fantasy, without fear they will explode the myth. When who they really are starts to work at odds with the script she wrote for them, then it’s time to move on. So filling in the blanks is her way of staying in the mystery, but I wouldn’t want to be around a man who didn’t add some personality to the mix.
But, there is personality and there is crazy and it’s good to know the difference. Sometimes you can’t know until you’ve been married for 3 years, but that’s another blog post. The bottom line is that good girls like the bad boys because they are in motion and on the field. They’ve got some fire about something and our eyes are always attracted by a flame. It can be hypnotizing. That hypnosis stage feels good. That infatuation stage feels good. It can comfort us, inspire us, rejuvenate us and animate us, if we allow it to. We can let their fire cook us and simmer us like a fine broth, and we can delight in the nuances of flavor they impart to our lives.
You know how, when you make soup, you throw a pot of water on the stove with onions, carrots, celery, tomato, salt, pepper, garlic, thyme, cumino and bay leaves. For the first 15 minutes, the taste is – ick – non-existent. But in 30 minutes, the flavors have had time to mingle and mesh and they dance on your tongue in velvety layers? The flame is what makes the difference. Onions, fish: grilled or boiled? The flame makes the difference. Bell peppers, boiled or roasted? The flame makes the difference.
The flame changes and transforms. It breaks apart what Is and replaces it with The Seasoned More That It Can Be. So when we run across these bad boys, these rebels, we know we are in for a cooking and so we surf the flame. Their fire helps us light our own fire, and helps us get more motivated about our own life, as well – what we do and don’t want.
And as we’re getting older, we’re getting smarter.
It’s about time.