A friend and I were speaking yesterday about the lessons we attract, who we attract to learn them with and that people show who they really are according to how they perceive us. The lessons I’m learning now are very linked to the me of 20+ years ago. I did not always act admirably with men. I used flirtation to gain favor. I implied sexual promise to keep their attention. When my attention wavered from one man to another, I was quick to move on with little regard of how the other felt. I didn’t give it a thought, I was done. There was always a new man on the horizon. I knew I was near the top of the looks and personality chart, I just didn’t have a soul yet.
Friends were always setting me up, keeping me distracted with new toys. Since it was a small community, there were overlapping relationships, and it was always a round robin of being involved with someone’s ex. Then the claws came out and the accusations flew and drama was the order of the day. I saw later how my behavior initiated some of it, but I was quick to step out of the situation and on to the next person, ignoring the wake I left behind. It was a long time before it all began to feel meaningless and I began any kind of introspection. Until I went through an extended period of introspection, I kept coming across the same scenarios. That was because everything I was doing was geared to attracting just that. When I realized my giant part in it, I felt overwhelming compassion, shame and remorse. I clearly saw how my actions and reactions impacted them all. I never wanted to bear that burden again. The weight was squashing my soul. I stopped that sh*t. I made amends where I could. While I still flirt and have fun with friends, I no longer seek a romantic or sexual partner. I’ve been too irresponsible in the past and cannot be trusted to not go unconscious and leave behind a wake for others to drown in. So until I grow up, that’s the best way for me to be in the world. I want to leave a wake of hope and possibility, of good feelings and happy moments. I’ll work on that for now.