A friend just had an epiphany. I love it when friends begin to see the patterns in their lives ~ if you can do that, you can predict the future. Her partnership is coming full circle. I’ve known her a dozen years. She’s beginning to see that her relationships always begin and end in chaos. She’s beginning to see why. She connects with someone who is still partnered, they stick together and bond emotionally during the breakups, then a year or two later everything blows up when she’s ready to move on. She makes no excuses for liking a certain lifestyle. Each tries to provide it for her. Always looking at greener grass, she begins to see someone else. The fights at home begin because she will not simply tell her partner she is ready for a change.
She just stops caring. She lets him know he annoys her but when he asks, she won’t discuss it. This confuses him since his initial time with her was spent co-counseling each other as their prior relationships broke up. They had deep and significant conversations and this was when they emotionally bonded. They each thought the other was so enlightened on the topic, so open and honest. A year later, they discover the person they are with is not who they thought they were. For that matter, they themselves are not who they thought they were. They’ve each drawn out of the other things they never knew they had inside.
So when my friend called me, she called to tell me what she had just discovered was inside her. She just had the epiphany that the infatuation, the secrecy, the initial bonding period was the part of a relationship that she liked best. She was good at that, she said, the fun, the drama, the excitement of it all. When it fell into day to day life and her having to keep a house clean for the man who was currently supporting her, she lost interest quickly. We’ve spoken about this through the years but she couldn’t hear it.
Her epiphany was that it was always easy to find another man, so why not be honest since she once loved her partner. She wanted to do the right thing but didn’t know how to. Her dilemma was she didn’t want to be kicked out when she had nowhere else to live, so she’d always begin scouting for prospects. When she was found out, it would become an emergency that she looked to her new partner to fix. She’d move in with him, and the cycle would begin again. Eight times in the last twelve years.
I suggested she have faith that she could attract an appropriate partner and a satisfying living arrangement without anything having to go up in flames. I suggested she spend time pondering what kind of life would really make her happy, to give it serious thought. What does she want and why does she want it? Knowing the answer to these questions would go a long way in pre-paving an easy transition and happy future.
She might open a discussion with her partner, letting him know she wanted time apart. She might be surprised at how he responds and what help he might offer until she finds a new place. She might be surprised at how the energy between them morphs when she’s honest. She might spend time having imaginary discussions with him, and imagining how he might respond, how she wanted him to respond.
She sees now she always avoids confrontation. She wants a problem to go away on its own. She knows that’s unrealistic. She knows that’s never happened, but each new time she hopes. Fear of the unknown is what has her frozen in a place of deception. She is used to things being in an uproar, she is used to the fights and arguments. She has practiced that vibration so much that it feels familiar to her, comfortable.
She might be surprised at how easy the conversation can take place. It does not have to be a confrontation. The only way out is through. You can go in with guns blazing, or you can go in with heart blazing, recognizing your partner for what you once had, and eager to hear suggestions on how to move into the next phase of your friendship.
I let mates know I don’t share space well and that I spend a lot of time on my own. When I’m ready to move on, I don’t waste a moment, I let them know right away: “I love you deeply, you are my best friend, I don’t want to do the boy/girl thing anymore, I want to live apart, so let me know how we can do this.” I would like the same courtesy. No hard feelings. No lost love. I’ve even stayed friends with former mates with whom I did not have happy endings, to say the least. Time is a great healer. Distance is a great educator. In restrospect, we all recognize the joint lesson in it and can laugh now at our ignorant parts in it. We’re on the same page, truly brothers on the Path.
The added benefit in straightening up your relationship karma by being open and honest, is that you begin to vibrate in a different space. When you vibrate in that different space, you begin to attract those who vibrate there with you, in that honest and open place. It took me months to change my own vibe before attracting a loving, compatible mate. I’m blessed, for sure.
My friend knows that “knowing” the right thing to do and doing it is another. She said she will do the best she can and report back. I’ll keep you posted.