In Trend Alert! ‘Dating Down’ Hits Hollywood, Jo Piazza writes: “In Hollywood, many celebrities have adopted the habit of dating down. So why are so many famous stars trading in their equally famous spouses for major downgrades? It’s always easier to date down whether you’re a movie star or a regular person.” Hmmm. I don’t know if I’d call that dating down, it sounds like just a change in values. My mom worked at the V.A. Hospital in Tampa, FL until she died in 1996. Divorced from my dad, her friends would joke about finding her a doctor to marry. My mom, however, had had enough of being married to the handsome charmer that was the life of the party and that everyone loved and wanted to be around. Some of her friends were concerned when she began dating Felito, a garage mechanic 16 years her junior, whom she met at a community singles dance. She needed to be with someone more professional, they thought. But after I got over all the same jumped-to conclusions, I soon found out that Felito was real and he was a good guy with a fun sense of humor. Most of all, he clearly adored my mom. I knew that Mom was tired of all the bullsh*t facade around relationships, and just wanted to cut to the chase and find someone to love and have adventures with and grow old with. They married and remained sweethearts until Mom passed in 1996.
A friend mentioned someone to me the other day, saying he thought of asking her out but was intimidated by her and thought she was out of his league. I told him that is the plight of many a beautiful woman: she doesn’t get asked out because everyone assumes if she looks like that, she can’t possibly be available. So she sits home alone, inwardly feeling cursed by her looks, and outwardly hiding behind them.
As a counselor, I get to hear everyone’s story of why they think they are unable to attract a partner. Most of them think it has to do with their looks and they spend their time feeling neurotic about that. I know several women who would be considered plain or even unattractive by many men, but they are always dating someone and don’t have a problem getting attention.
After getting to know them, I realize the common thread is they are all very confident and interesting to talk to. While most women would be complaining about their looks and their life, they instead were talking about the things they were interested in, the lessons they’d learned in life and the exciting plans they have for the future. That made all the difference in their ability to hold someone’s interest despite their looks.
An attorney friend of mine just married her Mexican Jiffy Lube oil change guy. That’s how her mom poutingly describes her new son in law. When I see Cynthia and John together, I don’t see occupations or cultures, all I see is a couple who really click and clearly adore each other, taking delight in everything around them and playfully planning their future together. After her mom has pouted for long enough, she’ll sit and have a conversation with John and see what a cool guy he is. But first she has to get past her filter of Cyn should have married the neurologist when she had the chance, (no matter that he was psychologically abusive with big anger issues) and begin to look with new eyes.
So, did Cynthia marry down? Is the profession of mechanic a downgrade from the profession of neurologist? Isn’t an honest, kind, unpretentious, loving person an upgrade from a mean spirited, agenda driven narcissist?
Like Mom, I don’t think Cynthia is settling, I think she is just getting real about what she wants in her life. And these days that has less to do with status and invitations than it does with companionship and camaraderie, having someone to plan adventures with and be a witness to her life. That’s all a lot of us want. And right now I think I might go get my oil changed…