In a recent reading, a friend began noticing a pattern in her new partner.  During the initial infatuation period, they had sex every day and couldn’t keep their hands off each other.  Then they settled into familiarity. He’d still initiate sex, but no romance, no foreplay, just straight forward, aggressive git ‘er done.  She asked him about it and he laughed it off.  She noticed that he’d always initiate sex when he was angry or bored, sad or frustrated. She felt he was using her as a mood altering drug. She felt no personal connection to him when he was like that.  He wasn’t interested in talking about it.  He didn’t think they had a problem.  The problem was less about sex than it was about willingness and ability to communicate.

I experienced the same thing with a partner years ago. We were both on the personal growth path so we used it as a topic to investigate.  Instead of arguing about it when I noticed the pattern of him initiating sex as one would take a drug, I shared my observations with him.  I wanted to know the emotion behind the urge, and the thoughts fueling the emotion, and why the pattern.  He had a personality disorder and in rational times had good insight into his states of mind and liked to discuss it.  During times of stress, persistent compelling thoughts would surface that he felt at the mercy of.  I introduced him to meditation, to the chakras system, and to kundalini management. While it did not initially change his behavior, our spiritual practice together enabled him to gain perspective, to stand back and observe his actions and analyze his thoughts.

He said the rushed, impersonal sexual encounters acted to release pressure for the minute he needed to get away from the anger, the sadness, the frustration, the boredom. It was what he needed to feel rebooted. He, too, felt more distant after each encounter, yet said when the compelling thoughts began, he was caught up in it and could not control the urge. When it crossed his mind that it might affect a friendship, he wanted it to be over with as soon as possible. Then he felt shamed.  Until the pattern repeated itself.

We both learned a lot about ourselves when we looked into the emotions and the thoughts fueling the emotions.  For me it was an interesting experiment since I never during that relationship had to initiate sex, something my Aries nature never has a problem with. It’s like I got to be the girl for the entire duration. But, as an Aries friend of mine says, “Sometimes it has to be my idea.” Ah, the games we play to keep our astral bodies titillated…