Two friends recently split and it played out in flying colors in front of friends and family for a year. Each has their own version of what happened. Both admit feeling unheard, misunderstood and disrepected. Domino said “I have written to him what I thought was compassionate and real, it was met with blame and accusations.” But she seeks closure. For me, when I need to be heard, I need to write things out to a partner so I can have my complete say. I like to ask them to do the same, but not everyone can or will explain and express their emotions in writing.  I suggested she write the letter to me and that way the work would still be done.  The “work” of working a situation out energetically, such as in reflection, prayer and Hawaiian Forgiveness Ho’oponopono Process  My experience is that if work is being done by even one, tension between them will begin to soften. One or both parties “working” on it energetically, by reflecting on their part and taking responsibility, by seeking forgiveness and amicable closure, will change the energy the other receives from them and reacts to.  This doesn’t mean they will speak or write in the physical, but just to energetically change the feeling within your heart. Doing the energetic work not only frees the one doing the work, it frees everyone involved.  No one can weave with you a bond of discord if you contribute no strands to the weaving.   Here is the letter she wrote me.  It was so Universal that I asked to share it here with you.

Dear___:  I am so sorry that everything ended between us as ugly as it did. I want you to know that I tried my best to make things work between us. I never have wished you pain or heartache. It bothers me very much that we didn’t end more amicably. I hate having harsh feelings with anyone. I am sorry that you perceived that I was angry for a long time. I was angry. It was very hard for me to be on the receiving end of your anger and have the hatred of your friends directed at me for no reason. I did become very resentful. And now I do feel your pain, I am not unaware of it and I am sorry.

I think the problem was that we have different perceptions of what took place from the very beginning of the relationship. And that is something we cannot change. I did not see events the way you did. I felt hurt, abandoned and betrayed. I also did my best to cope with your anger. But as you know, it scared me very badly. Maybe other women would be stronger in that regard and be better able to handle it but I could not and it made me get further and further away emotionally. I know that you changed your behavior after a time, but the other people involved did not. Because you refused to play with them any longer, they got angry with me and were very nasty. It is hard to accept watching your significant other having very affectionate friendships with people who were exceptionally rude to me. As you know, this is why I stopped attending events.

We are very different personalities and we clashed an awful lot. For this, I am sorry. I have a hard time taking “blame” and apologizing for just being who I am. But I am sorry that the relationship did not work and that we were not more compatible.I’m not sure you can force compatibility. I tried hard, I hope you realize this but I could not change myself enough to meet your expectations, nor did I want to change myself. And I could not be accepted by your friends and it was painful to be excluded even when I was physically present at events.

By the time you were ready to accept me for who I really am, I feel it was already too far gone. By the time you were ready to confront your friends for the way they treated me, it had already gone on all year. By the time you started to become interested in my spirituality instead of making fun of me, I was already pretty withdrawn by then. Sometimes it gets too far gone to be repaired because we start to shut down and my feelings of love turned into feelings of defensiveness and fear and abandonment and I began to not trust the “one” who I thought would want to protect me. Of course, I know that we cannot look outside ourselves for validation or protection, but I really wanted to feel that in our relationship.

So, I will say again, I deeply regret the pain you feel and I also regret the pain that I have been through. I know that you will be stronger from all of this as will I. I tried hard. I want you to know that. And I thank you for everything you did for me and everything you gave me, which was way too much. You were very generous and I truly appreciate all that you did.

It is my hope that the day will come when we can be friends with each other and not blame and accuse and be mean and that we can talk to each other as friends. In the meantime, I truly am very sorry that things did not work out the way we had hoped they would.

Many blessings.

AFTERNOTE: He read this, she wrote him, they are having amicable closure.