A 12-step intervention for breaking your addiction to bad boys, bums and brooding narcissists by Liza Baritt | Andrea de Michaelis – Creating my own reality, one thought at a time

I love No. 5: Be the problem. This is a tough one. You must confront your need to feel special. Stop being the saintly heroine that is the only person in the world he trusts, opens up to, or can tolerate. His moods, his wild antics are his story, make your own and don’t play a supporting role. Here’s the article:
As if it’s not bad enough to be addicted to love, you seem to find yourself hooked on the unique brand of consuming desire that leaves you empty, confused, and utterly deflated. You have a special gift for honing in on the person in the room least interested in you. You gravitate naturally to the challenge of that special someone who makes it clear from the start that he is in some way unavailable… but then leaves a window wide open, inviting your enthusiasm. Be honest now. You crave the attention of bad boys, bums, and brooding narcissists. Here is a 12-step intervention to break the addiction and rewire yourself for a more satisfying and soulful connection.

1. Stop playing the slot machine. A guy who is emotionally disengaged or incapable of intimacy will occasionally let down his guard and offer up all that is possible. That brief moment of vulnerability, deep connection, or profound thoughtfulness will keep you clinging to hope for far too long.

Gambling like this depends on the brain’s susceptibility to the dynamic known in Vegas and Behavior Theory as predictable input and random reward. You are hardwired to get totally sucked in by the improbable chance of eventually hitting the emotional connection jackpot.

It is exactly like a slot machine and, over time, guess who wins? Not you.

2. Understand, deep in the marrow of your bones, that there is no prize for cracking his code. There is no sweet gooey center at the heart of that self-absorbed tough exterior. Stop digging.

3. The economic principle of sunken cost applies to relationships too. Investing weeks, months, even years of your life, with someone who will never grow up, treat you right, or acknowledge and validate your feelings and needs, leaves you feeling spent and hesitant to walk away simply because you have put so much in that you delude yourself into thinking it must get better soon.

Learn to cut your losses.

4. Believe that you deserve more than crumbs of affection and caring. Seriously, there is no need to wait around for stray morsels of love, you can bake your own cake and eat it too.

5. Be the problem. This is a tough one. You must confront your need to feel special. Stop being the saintly heroine that is the only person in the world he trusts, opens up to, or can tolerate.

If he genuinely does not like human beings, it is a red flag, not an invitation to prove him wrong in a series of grand gestures of loving self-sacrifice.

If you find yourself willing to give up everything for the opportunity to love him, it is not about him.

6. Take up space. Shrinking and contorting yourself, your interests, your preferences, your world, to fit his expectations and goals, is another way of playing dumb. It may get you what you think you want in the short run, but the price is exponentially higher over time. And totally not worth it.

7. Learn to make decisions, big and small, for yourself, and be okay with it. Strong-willed men are sexy. Their aggression and assuredness can be completely disarming. It also plays to our laziness and innate attraction to a stable provider or someone who can competently get things done.

When you let him make all of the decisions, you shrink and lose personal power bit by bit.

8. Choose your own adventure. Ask yourself daily what your really want to do and make a plan to do it. Don’t rely on Mr. Big Personality to tell you what you want to do today, tomorrow, or any day.

9. Be the author of your story and make it as dramatic as you want. His moods, his job, his wild antics are his story, make your own and don’t play a supporting role.

10. Be a taker. Now that you have broken away and taken a long, hard look at your own part in the dynamic of dissatisfaction and never enough-ness, you can start retraining your brain to see things and people you likely overlooked before.

Chances are, you have given everything you had to a relationship that does not sustain or reward your efforts. Let someone adore you. Be a selfish lover. Be grateful for the experience without offering much in return.

Relax and observe the subtle confidence and courage of a man who is eager to please.

11. Build your tolerance for goodness. Practice letting someone look at you like you are some kind of wild sorceress, without getting creeped out. Feel powerful. Accept compliments and heartfelt appreciation.

12. Get comfortable with a bit of clumsy enthusiasm. Good guys care, and are bringing their emotions into the encounter, and that is not always smooth. Go with it.

Take it one day at a time. You may have years of unresolved feelings of unworthiness directing you to accept less than you deserve. Not to mention that you subconsciously buy into the grift sold by a lifetime of romantic comedies telling you that jerks only act that way because they are waiting for the right woman to love. It ain’t you, babe. You are not powerless against this particular brand of addiction.

Make amends with yourself, and make room in your life for a love that fills you up, as opposed to the one that leaves you starving.

By Liza Baritt Original article here