I don’t always notice when I’m getting stressed. But something my brother said made me realize that the more stressed I get, the more controlling I become, and the more I begin to micro manage things around me. Like telling my mailing helpers how to put magazines in an envelope and how to seal it… Usually I’m Mz. Go With The Flow, but when I’m stressed my myth is that I either have to do it myself or I have to supervise every step of it. If you’re one of my buddies, you are laughing hysterically at me just realizing I do this, while you’ve watched it for years. Ok, I laughed, too.

What my brother said that got me thinking was when he mentioned a situation at work where a fellow worker said he was a blessing to their group since he stood up for the rights of the ones who won’t speak up for themselves.  Brothermine is really a humble and unassuming guy and doesn’t seek attention, so of course he gets it.  He said, “I didn’t set out to be the masked crusader.  I’ve always been the soft hearted fool ready to take on the establishment to right a wrong. You are right, I try too much to reduce other people’s loads.  But even if it hurts me personally, I still get satisfaction from doing it.  I wonder if I’m that way because I couldn’t control my life’s situation as a kid, and now I feel like I can control any situation?  Or maybe I’m just afraid that if I don’t control things, they too will control me.“

I replied to him, “that was pretty profound thing you just said.  I was noticing this week that when I’m stressed, I begin to micro-manage things around me.  I begin to start taking control of crazy little things, like how my helpers should set up their work stations, etc.  My first thought was that likely because I had so little control over things growing up, that now I “want to make sure it gets done right” and I have specific ideas on what “right” is and specific ideas on what “on time” is.”  OMG I’ve turned into our father…

That’s a common bond we have.  Not only that we shared a controlling, domineering, irrational disciplinarian of a father, who was both psychologically and physically abusive.  Our common bond is that we take note of these realizations as they occur and share them with each other in the spirit of identifying and resolving any issues that need resolution.   We never sit and bemoan our miserable growing up and how horrid it was living with our dad, because we just don’t think of it that way.

We realize he had big problems, emotional problems as well as drug and alcohol problems.  He was bipolar. He wasn’t a partier, he didn’t go to bars, but he took pain killers for a back injury.  When the pills weren’t working enough after a long day of construction, he’d drink some Canadian Club.  We’d be pushing the limits, like teens do, not realizing what he was going through internally.  We both realize that now, of course, so we don’t blame or judge.  But it’s nice to have someone who understands and shares a realization like that, that triggers my own realization of what I also do that I don’t realize I’m doing.

What I do to Unstress
When I am feeling stressed, my sure cure remedy is be alone, in the silence, in dim lighting, in cool air.  If it’s in nature, all the better.  If it’s holed up in my studio, that’s fine, too.  The silence is the most important factor.  I’ll turn off phones and let friends and family know I’ve “gone underground” so they don’t freak if they don’t hear from me.  I check email even when I’m underground, in case there’s an emergency.

I’ll do a variety of physical actions to help the un-stressing begin.  Do some yoga, ride my bike, use my little 8 lbs weights for some upper body strength repetitions, climb a favorite tree for a bird’s eye view, move furniture around.

Moving furniture is one of my favorite ways to de-stress, because it gives me something new to look at.  My house is set up so that I can move things around in a variety of ways in a variety of rooms, and I do it every few months.  There’s something about coming into my own space, with my own beloved things around me all placed in a new arrangement, that simply delights me.

I change out the lighting also.  I have overhead ceiling lights if I need them, but I typically just use a lamp right where I am sitting.  And not to save electricity, I just enjoy a darkened room with light focused only on what I’m doing.  The darkness feels good to me when I’m stressed.  It feels healing, especially combined with the silence.  It’s a very soothing balm to me.  My place has the best mojo ever, ask anyone who’s been here.

And that’s the beauty of modern technology.  Because of the computer, I am able to work in silence.  I can sit in a quiet, darkened room and rest and recharge and still talk to everyone I know, like I’m doing now with you.  Feels cozy, doesn’t it?  Just you and me sitting here in the dim parlor, drinking our hot tea and chatting silently together.  Nice.