A friend of mine has an out of the country girlfriend the past year.  He said they can’t wait to be together.  I asked, “Why isn’t she here now?”  He said she is working on her thesis and when that is done they can be together.  The original date for the thesis to be done was  April 2011.  His situation is so similar to that of half a dozen clients I have, that I thought it warranted a blog post.  Everyone thinks they are the only one going through something.  I  counsel on the phone with so many people each week the past 20+ years that I see patterns in behavior that others don’t get to see.  I average maybe 50 hours/50 clients/50 readings a month.  That means 50 people each month have an hour to tell me about their most important concern.  When I hear 5 or 10 people  having similar detailed experiences, I begin to see the pattern. 

I went to the girlfrend’s Facebook wall and she posts some very interesting notes and links.  A lot of them.  She clearly spends a lot of time surfing and posting on Facebook. He said they talk for hours on the phone and she wants all the details of his day.   That was about the extent of our conversation on the topic of his relationship.

If I was going to butt in, my question to him would be, if all she has to do is finish her thesis, how much time each day is she spending on it?  I mean if she’s on Facebook three hours a day and on the phone with him an hour a day, that’s four hours right there.  If I loved a man and wanted to be with him, I’d put everything else aside and spend every waking moment finishing my thesis.  Nothing would be more important.

If I were him, I wouldn’t tell her what I’ve spent each day doing, I’d keep her off the phone and — if she wants to know — she can finish her thesis and come be my wife.  I’d know the time I spend responding to phone calls and Facebook posts is time she could be working on her thesis, and that’s our goal, correct?

Since I don’t know the details of their relationship, I’ll speak of the half dozen clients in similar situations, male and female.  In each of those cases, however, my client is sending money and providing financial support to their out-of-country betrothed.  In those cases, there is no real incentive to change the situation unless, of course, they are sincerely in love and want to be together.

But for 5 of my 6 clients, it is one excuse after another.   They get hours of sweet talk and sexting, but also changed deadlines and new reasons why they can’t come over to this county just yet.   In the meantime, family members are needing emergency operations and save-their-home urgent financial help and each of my clients just sends them what they ask for, always holding out hope they are real and sincere and they will soon be married and together for life.

I maintain that unless you can spend a good amount of time in person every day with someone for at least a couple of years, you can’t know who that person is under all circumstances.  They can tell you how they responded during that argument with their boss, but you don’t know it for yourself.

I also believe it is important that each party be financially self sufficient, because how can you know if someone really cares for you if you are the one paying their bills?   Hey, pay my bills and send me money and I’ll love you, too. Except I wouldn’t.  You can’t pay me enough to take away my freedom (I don’t think…)

Or, if both parties agree that one pays the bills and the other takes care of the household and child raising, that’s fine, too.  Just outline what that means to each of you.  Does she clean the house herself or do you pay for a housekeeper?   Does she cook twice a day, does she grocery shop, does she make the grocery list, does she clean the kitchen after dinner?  Does she watch the kids or do you have a nanny?  If you have a nanny and housekeeper, what are the house-wife’s expected chores?  Don’t forget sex, if that is an important part of the house-wife arrangement, discuss it ahead of time.  Otherwise you’re just funding her lifestyle without you and well, you’re already doing that and it’s cheaper now before you get married.

My point is, it’s easy to fill in the blanks relationship-wise and emotion-wise, when you are distant from a partner, even if they tell you every moment of their day.    If the two of you have made an agreement about when to be together, work toward it.   Whoever is not working toward it has a different agenda.  Communicate what your agendas are.   Is it more important to chitchat in the now or finish the thesis and get over here and get to know your man so you can eventually marry?

Don’t tell me what you’re going to do.
Do it, then tell me about it.