I can make it rock or I can make it rocky.

Honesty and transparency, it’s not for everyone but, oh, the freedom when you can finally do it!  A friend wrote on Facebook, “This past month, for me, has been one of letting go and admitting that I have not been truthful with myself and, in turn, how my lack of self-truthfulness has affected both my intimate relationships with the men in my life as well as with my sister goddesses. Yes, I am a mess (sometimes) and Yes, I have allowed my fear of being unworthy and imperfect keep me from being real, authentic and honest. There are many steps ahead on my journey of self-healing… my first step is to love and accept who I truly am with no “BS cover-up story.”  I once wrote an ex for clarification: “The question is NOT why did you not tell me what your past history was so I could determine if that was something I wanted to bring into my experience. I know that every day is a new beginning. The question is simply why after talking every single day for over a year about being conscious and honest in relationship would you not tell your partner when feelings were changing? What went before is no matter. But after all the conversation about being honest and open and morphing consciously, why did that not happen?  It is never about cheating, because people are going to love who they love and when love goes, it goes. It is about being honest with your feelings so that when intentions change, everyone has the opportunity to make informed choices.” It’s a process.  We get honest when we’re able to. No one else can say when someone else is ready, or should be ready.

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Conscious Coupling: Having Resolved the Past is How We Stay Conscious In the Now

Me: We agreed we’d only feed Benny the Cat at my house. You fed him!
“I’m sorry. He looked hungry”
Me: You are allowed to do what you want.
“It’s okay, it’s best if I don’t see you.”
Me: Ok, but that’s kinda drastic.
“Voice to text fail! It’s best if I don’t feed him.”
Me: I do like that better, thanks.

RELATED: YinYang puts Benny through initiation
Yinnie and Ben are getting used to each other
Easter with Benny the Cat and YinYang

The vision I am holding.

We’re making progress! Everyone survived the night! Yesterday Benny split about 2pm and I kept waiting for a text saying he’s at the bf’s. About 5pm I stepped into the garden to water and there’s Benny the Cat under the bamboo jumping at butterflies!  YinYang was glaring at him from across the yard. At one point they growled at each other, but both went on their merry way.  At sundown, we hung out with them in the front yard and for awhile they just glared at each other. Then Yinnie chased him down the street, all puffed up. She got picked up by her scruff again (oh! the indignity!) and stuffed inside the bedroom sliding glass door. We brought Benny inside and sat on the couch with him until YinYang came out and they glared again. I know it’s a process. Continue reading →

Benny and YinYang – will they give peace a chance?

Benny the Cat and YinYang have been getting acquainted. This morning I sat to meditate and Benny was asleep in his chair, Yin on the bed.  A half hour in, I hear a MRRROW!!!! and jump up to see a real puffed up Yinnie has Ben on his back as she hisses and spits and swipes at him.  I grab her by the scruff of her neck and set her on the back porch. I tell Benny it’s ok and he jumps back in his chair. I talk to YinYang through the open door and she settles down.  I let her in and she runs to the bedroom, I follow her, everyone’s back to sleep. An hour later, Yin is asleep and Benny is gone. An hour later he shows up at the bf’s house a block away for breakfast, carrying his bindle stick… Continue reading →

It’s important for me to remember in any encounter that what I experienced is not necessarily what the other experienced.  What can seem normal to someone who has a hectic life with a lot of emotional ups and downs, can seem manic and chaotic to me. When it does, I have to take care not to judge the form so much that it obscures the content.

Rumi says, “Each has a secret way of being with the mystery, unique and not to be judged.” I’ve been judging. We each do what we’re capable of. It’s not for me to judge what anyone else is capable of. How liberating when I remember that.

I want to apologize. I judged you, saying your  “I’m sorry I hurt you” doesn’t explain a year of hateful lies. I judged that it happened as recent as last week. I judged your grand gesture as performance and said maybe we’ll have the real conversation some day, with no audience, no prepared speech and more years behind us. I judged you repaid my kindness and compassion with anger and deceit.  Upon reflection, I realize you were being as sincere as you could be.  I apologize for not recognizing that. If I judged unfairly, it was only because I thought so much more was possible. My lesson is to meet friends where they are and not where I think they are.  I apologize. For the future, by the fruits we shall know.  Bless us all.