When it rains, it pours. The third time I get a call with the same situation, I know I have something to learn from it. Since you’re reading this, you’re vibrating in resonance with me on some level, so it may give you insight to someone you know as well. A few clients admit to having angry outbursts at home and work, so I asked each for insight into what they experience when that happens, what compels them to say hateful and hurtful words, etc. Here is a compilation of their answers. “I am not a perfect human, in fact I am probably far from it. I admit to having a temper and losing my temper sometimes. While it is not a good thing, I must say it is a hell of a lot better then it used to be. In thinking about this, I have found that my view of my anger and the way other people have seen it are different. See, I never just blow up. It is never that all of a sudden I get angry. It takes time with me. I don’t go from calm to furious in five seconds. It takes time, and it takes a continuation. And I can tell you that most people do not see that. I realize that they don’t see that I am starting to get angry because I mask it. They don’t see my starting to get annoyed inside – I keep quiet, try to keep it calm. And sometimes this works really well. The other person involved quiets down, or moves on.”
“But what also happens is that what is pissing me off keeps going. The other person’s behavior continues. Which in a way is my fault because I do not say stop. Sometimes I excuse myself and walk away to calm down before I actually get externally angry. Sometimes I cannot. But where it gets bad is when I am not allowed to. When the person follows me keeping at the issue that is pissing me off. And likewise sometimes when I should be intelligent and walk away, I do not.
And once that threshold gets passed, and this is true of not just me but of many people, once that threshold between annoyed /angry into really angry get passed, things spiral out of control. Once a person gets angry and starts going at it, well, the other person or people around him are going to get angry too. And once anger kicks in full force, we stop hearing what the other person is saying, and worse, our internal filters on what we say break down.
I have very sadly said many things when I was really angry that I really regret. But I stop thinking when I get that angry and instead of choosing my words, I blurt things out. Sometimes just to express how pissed off I am. Later when I am calm, I regret this greatly. I apologize for it and try to do what I can to make things right, but sadly the words are spoken. So the question you asked was what compels me to say things I do not mean? Well, I get angry.
And I know for me there are all sorts of things I think of and never do. My moral filters stop me. I may think that someone needs killing, but my morality ensures that I do not kill them. I may think about hitting some idiot with my car, or the company truck, but I stop and think about. So it is with my words, my filters break down, and things that pop into my mind get said. Happily my moral laws against violence are stronger, much stronger, than my verbal filters. Because when I get angry, my verbal filters get lost. I remember one day when I was sitting in a friend’s car, the car was running, and the thought went through me head of what would happen if I just threw it in drive and let it go. Happily my moral centers keep me from doing these kinds of things. Those are the filters that we all have.
Sometimes the other person is not receptive to what the first person feels or wants to say. If I suggest she share the blame, I may get anger and hate directed back at me. My words may get twisted to say I am putting all the blame on her. This kind of situation does not allow a person to speak about what bothers them. If I even defend myself against what I feel are unfair or untrue accusations, I get anger and hate in return. So in this particular situation, it is impossible for me to express myself.
Losing my temper changed my life. I learned that by taking anger management classes. In a jealous rage, I got the gun and shot up the whole place, broke trinkets, ripped clothes and the judge ordered me to take anger management classes. I was off my meds then. The moral is think before you lose your temper. My challenge right now is getting to the root of why I get angry. That is the journey for me. What is it I fear that makes me angry?? It is surprisingly a very very hard question to answer. I try to look hard at myself. It is not always easy.”
### end of client feedback
This was valuable feedback, especially since the same thing was said by several people. One thing I always talk with new friends about is being honest in our communication. That means speaking our minds freely, not holding back out or sugar coating it or making hints instead of outright saying it. So when a friend gets angry yet they mask it and don’t tell me, that does neither of us any good. If they hint around about something and I don’t change, I clearly didn’t get their hint. That doesn’t help the relationship. How do I know to stop chewing gum if you don’t tell me it bugs you? And if you know when to walk away and don’t, that dishonors both of us.
I appreciated everyone who gave me feedback on this question. As for two of them knowing that it is a fear that makes them angry, that is a helpful insight.