I met with a friend today I haven’t seen in 22+ years and we had fun chatting in the sunshine facing the ocean outside Starbucks in Indialantic.  Afterward, I posted on Facebook, “Hey you handsome dawg, it was good hanging in the sunshine wit ya. You totally look the same as 22 years ago. We’ll find some mischief to get into real soon, k? In the meantime, I’ll inundate your phone with text msgs. Shall we entertain the notion of an unsatisfying fling that leaves us both filled with regret and dread, or would you prefer a slow, soul crushing descent into psychological torture?  And where is my recipe for bunny stew?” Of course referring Fatal Attraction where the Glenn Close character is the scorned lover stalking Michael Douglas’ family and hastening the re-incarnation of the family pet.  I was joking, of course, Joe and I have similar sense of humor.

That also put me in mind of: A Realistic Personal Ad: SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency.  I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation. I can’t stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band’s Greatest Hits.  I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by  affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and  chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.  I’m 32 but look 40 and feel 60.  You are: a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations.  In time you will become coolly hostile when I don’t fulfill every unmet need you’ve ever had.  Bonus points if you just finished boinking every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me. My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sh*t-hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match.  I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills.  No friendships. I don’t need any damn friends. Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40.  Serious replies only, please.