A friend has a service that matches age 50Plus singles and she asked if I’d like to be involved. I told her I don’t have time, but wished her well in her venture. She cites that older parties may be set in their ways and mentioned how hard it was for the over 50 crowd to make connections. I thought, nothing could be farther from the truth. When we meet someone we really click with, everything is up for negotiation and the only reason that we don’t feel we have as many choices now as we did 10 or 20 years ago is simply that we have chosen to drop of the social scene. Period, end of story. No mystery there.“Sure,” you say, “I stopped wanting to hang out in bars with drunks.” Well, ok, that accounts for the 80’s and 90’s, so what equivalent social activity did you replace clubbing with for the new millenium? Oh, you haven’t found what you liked yet, you haven’t yet found your niche, found what makes your heart sing? So you spend a lot of time at home, baking brownies and watching tv? Just remember that is a choice every single time you do it. and it’s not bringing you closer to your goal.
If it’s your desire to have a future partner, you need to be where he can find you. You’re right, if you don’t want a drinker, don’t look for him in a bar. If you don’t want a trucker, stay out of truck stops. If you have no interests, discover some. Now. Everybody and his brother wants to be your life coach these days, simply start listening to suggestions and exploring some new activities and people.
If you are looking for a mate, online dating services can be fun. I was on and off Match.com for a few years and tried e-Harmony once. e-Harmony had me spend much time filling out those questionnaires where neither choice is really exactly what you mean but it’s the least wrong of the two – you know that type of questionnaire? They then matched me to men with whom I had zero in common. Very Type A, right wing conservative types. I never got past the telephone call stage with those few. I felt relieved when the subscription was over.
Match.com was a good experience and some day I may go back on. I met 2 local men who are friends to this day. What I like about Match over e-Harmony is I like that you can read how people describe themselves, and what words they choose; what they think is important to say. It’s always good to remember that not everyone “speaks fluently” via keyboard and a man who can be very eloquent in person may resort to short clipped emails if he can’t type easily or quickly.
And of course, the grand caveat, there are a lot of people who use online match sites to discover new victims for their particular brand of crime. It may be likely that much of what anyone online says to you is untrue and designed to deceive you for the purpose of personal advantage somewhere down the line. It may be that they are saying the same thing to a half dozen other women they met the same way.
And it also may be that you will attract a genuine, sincere person who is the same as you, just seeking their other half, if there is such a thing. Maybe just seeking someone to grow old with. So which do you think it will be? Are you more likely to attract someone with a lot of karma to work out in the areas of trust and fidelity and fiscal responsibility, or someone who has their act together and is a motivated doer and lover of life? Because whatever you think you are most likely to attract, that is what it likely may be.
THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER
I’ve seen this reality show a couple of times. Millionaire men pay upwards of $10,000 for a subscription to the Millionaire Matchmaker service, which introduces them to a variety of potential matches. The men like this because they commonly cite they do not have time to date or screen women as potential partners. The women like this because, well, who wouldn’t?
Patti Stanger is the owner of the service and she is a rough and tumble, smartass New Jersey business type, who constantly refers to her Jewish heritage. She uses a lot of terms and phrases I don’t get but assume all Jewish watchers will understand. I find as a culture that is something my Jewish friends and coworkers always do, sprinkle their talk with these secret phrases. It would be like me constantly making Iskcon asides and thinking it was hilarious – me and maybe two others would know what I was talking about and everyone else would feel they were missing the joke, and out of the loop, out of the clique.
The show chronicles Patti’s screening process. She literally has her office staff approach beautiful women on the street, ask if they are single, and ask if they’d like to meet a millionaire. That’s the screening process. Of course, afterward I’m sure there are at least basic background and credit and reference checks. Yeah, right… Before the planned meet several days later at a cocktail party where the men can work the crowd and make their choices. Just another Hollywood cattle call.
To the Millionaire men, she suggests going big on the first date to sweep someone off their feet. A helicopter ride over the city, dinner at a fancy restaurant. She suggests gifts, flowers, jewelry, vacations. “Shell out the dough,” Patti says, “you’re a millionaire, act like one.”
Well, who wouldn’t be swept away being Cinderella for a day? But to me, that starts things off in a disingenuous way. Let her like you for you. If she likes who you are, then bring out some toys. Otherwise, you won’t EVER know if she likes you for you, not just for the dinners and movies, the gifts and emergency loans. I can’t count the number of people I’ve known who married to attain a lifestyle. The one who provided the lifestyle could be interchangeable and replaceable. It was the lifestyle that they sought.
To me, a partnership is where the parties both agree to how the partnership will be. They can even agree it is unequal if they wish. To me, an important thing is that my partner adores me for who I am and wants to be with me. It is important that he be self sufficient. He does not have to be a good provider, since I provide for myself. It is important to me that he handle all his financial affairs responsibly. In all partnerships, I have learned to keep money separate; it cuts down on a lot of problems.
He pays his bills on time, he takes care of health needs and he has a plan for the future. It is important to me that he does all these things because it is important to me that I do all these things. At our age and income, we can have some pretty interesting and exciting adventures, and each paying our own way as we go just keeps it simple.
How do we get along when we each pay our own way?
I do readings for so many people for so many years. I hear over and over what they are looking for and what is wrong with this one or that one. It still surprises me that so many people – men and women, even people I know – are looking for partners to financially support them. My remedy – for me – is to simply take the dollars out of the equation. How do we get along when we both agree on what we want to do and each pay our own way as we do it?
I’ve had some really great and powerful partners. For me the thought of being unpaired for the rest of my life was never a scary thought. What was all too often a scary thought, though, was being committed to a man I adore who is a really cool guy, when I really just want to be on my own again every 2 or 3 years.
My solution? Stop mating for about 20 years then reconsider the question.
I’m about a dozen years in 🙂
In case the FTC is wondering, I am not endorsing anyone.
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