Page 12 - 2-19-Issue

articles here as well http://www.oprah.com/spirit/The-
Power-of-Your-Intuition

TAKING YOUR

EMOTIONAL TEMPERATURE

Cindy Goodman Stulberg, DCS, CPsych, and Ronald J. Frey, PhD, CPsych, are the authors of Feeling Better and
directors of the Institute for Interpersonal Psychotherapy. Visit them online at http://interpersonalpsychotherapy.
com. Excerpted from the book Feeling Better. Copyright ©2018 by Cindy Goodman Stulberg and Ronald J. Frey.
Printed with permission from New World Library — www.newworldlibrary.com.

I know a successful tennis
player who always checks his WAYS TO COOL THINGS DOWN
heart rate before he serves. Give yourself some space. Count to 50 (10 usually won’t cut
He knows that if his pulse it). Take some deep breaths. Do some push-ups. Tell the other
is too high, he’s much more likely to fault on the person you need some time to cool down.
serve and risk losing a point. Consistently (and
discreetly) checking his heart rate is his way of Create helpful mental pictures. Visualize turning the volume
optimizing his physical performance. down. Imagine a thermometer and put ice around the base.

You can optimize your interpersonal performance by do- Think of a traffic signal and turn the emotional red light to
ing something similar: taking your emotional temperature. yellow. Think of yourself as a sieve, and let hurtful words or
You probably won’t be looking at your smart watch — unless emotions that aren’t helping you run through the holes.
you’ve made a connection between your heart rate and your
emotional state. Instead, you’ll be taking your emotional Keep it respectful. Think about how your words will be re-
temperature by asking yourself that all-important question: ceived by the other person before you say them. When sharing
How am I feeling? Your answer will determine what you do what has made you angry or hurt, focus on the person’s behav-
next. ior rather than making statements about the person.

It’ll be easier to optimize your interpersonal performance if For example, instead of saying, “You’re rude,” say, “When you
you don’t wait until something throws you off your game to say that, it feels rude to me.” Help the other person under-
check how you’re feeling. Take your emotional temperature stand where you’re coming from without belittling them or
at regular times of the day: when you wake up, when you making them feel ashamed.
arrive at work, at lunch, before you leave work, before you
pick up the kids from day care, before your spouse walks in Clarify. Repeat what you heard the other person say: “So
the door, before bed. You can also do it whenever something you’re saying...” Ask for clarification if you’re confused. This
happens that messes with your emotional mojo. And then will make the other person feel listened to and clear up mis-
take it again after you’ve taken action to bring things back understandings; it’ll also give both of you a chance to take a
into balance. breather.
There are some great ways to moderate your emotional tem- ...continued on page 26
perature — to cool things down if they’ve become too heated
or warm things up if they’ve become too icy. We’ve included
a few to try.

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