{"id":17104,"date":"2011-11-08T06:10:23","date_gmt":"2011-11-08T11:10:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/horizonsmagazine.com\/blog\/?p=17104"},"modified":"2015-07-21T16:01:41","modified_gmt":"2015-07-21T21:01:41","slug":"grief-is-a-sneaky-thing-crawling-through-the-window-like-a-thief-when-you-least-expect-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/horizonsmagazine.com\/blog\/grief-is-a-sneaky-thing-crawling-through-the-window-like-a-thief-when-you-least-expect-it\/","title":{"rendered":"How I process grief and loss"},"content":{"rendered":"

Someone doesn’t have to die for me to feel grief and loss<\/a>. \u00a0Sometimes it’s just a part of them or a part of me, or a situation that dies. \u00a0Interruption of \u00a0the daily routine creates the space for the feelings to arise. \u00a0Watching friends go from completely independent to having to depend on others for the basics is always a real eye opening – and heart opening – experience. \u00a0 I’m 59. \u00a0I know a lot of people. \u00a0I’ve lived through the deaths of parents, husbands, brothers, <\/a>inlaws, coworkers, friends and more each year. \u00a0I’m not used to it as much as I am just more settled in the thought that no one is really gone. \u00a0Valerie Saurer<\/a> said it well on Facebook this week: \u00a0“Grief is a sneaky thing, crawling through the window like a thief when you’re least expecting it.” \u00a0This living and dying thing, it’s a process. \u00a0<\/p>\n

I understand about not wanting to make any changes after a loved one dies, wanting to keep their room intact for only you know how long. \u00a0I get that. \u00a0I’ve been there so many times. \u00a0In the beginning, I needed that incubation time as a bridge. \u00a0After it began happening on a regular basis, I found I prefer processing in a different way.<\/p>\n

What helps me the most to process grief is to break the routine. \u00a0I learned this in 1996 when my mother died. \u00a0I was prepared to leave for a week’s trip to California with a friend\u00a0when my mother had her first heart attack. \u00a0Two days later she passed. \u00a0I spent the next 6 days driving to California, seeing sights I’d never seen, visiting people I’d never met. \u00a0 I barely had time to miss her, I could pretend in my mind that she was just a phone call away until I was ready to “properly” grieve. \u00a0Had I been at home, every view and every activity would remind me of her. \u00a0However, on the trip, not so. \u00a0I spent the next 8 months living somewhere new, seeing new sights, having new routines, talking to new people, with none of my personal belongings around me. \u00a0I would face that when I returned home.<\/p>\n

As fate would have it, as soon as I returned home, my husband died and that also took my mind off grieving for Mom. \u00a0There was much paperwork to be done, my entire 4 years with him was filled with paperwork between Florida and Texas, and doing more paperwork helped me feel still connected with him. \u00a0 The year after was spent in a flurry of home repairs for me and for my father in law, all while still the solo publisher for Horizons Magazine<\/a> as well as having a busy spiritual counseling practice<\/a>.<\/p>\n

When life settled down a few years later, I realized the flurry of activity had eased me right through the grieving process. \u00a0So much of my time during each day was spent focusing on people and activities that were right in front of me, that I didn’t have much thought time to lament the loss. \u00a0 My thoughts simply turned gradually from having lost them, to “what would they say about this, or that?” \u00a0 Having the conversations with them in my mind brought them more into the present with me, so there was no missing to be had.<\/p>\n

That was a big revelation to me. \u00a0So the next time it happened, I tried something. \u00a0I spent the entire first days rearranging furniture, completely emptying room by room and putting them back , one by one. \u00a0None of this moving to one side and put this there instead<\/em>, nope, empty the entire room. \u00a0When it’s empty, it’s easy to clean floors and walls, then I\u00a0smudge the space<\/a> as well. \u00a0After that, I took a 3 day trip to somewhere new, for a long weekend nothing I did and no one I met was familiar or routine. \u00a0As thoughts came up, I processed them. \u00a0As conversations (within me, with my beloved who’d just passed) came up, I participated in them. \u00a0Upon returning after 3 days to my newly arranged home, my mind is ready to process the thoughts of the last several weeks. \u00a0It’s like it works the grief out in my subconscious so I feel minimal, if any, emotional pain.<\/p>\n

Of course, by virtue of the work I do, I know that death is not the end, of the person nor of the relationship. \u00a0And how I process grief may not be how you do. \u00a0I’m not erasing the memory, I’m simply creating the space for the next adventure to begin.<\/p>\n

RELATED: \u00a0The\u00a0End of Death As We Know It <\/a>
\nHer Perception Upon Dying
\n<\/a>I Remember Momma 2010
\n<\/a>I Remember Momma 2009<\/a>
\nA Friend and I Talk About Dying and Easy Transitions<\/a> <\/a><\/p>\n

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