{"id":24062,"date":"2013-01-28T07:33:26","date_gmt":"2013-01-28T12:33:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/horizonsmagazine.com\/blog\/?p=24062"},"modified":"2013-02-10T18:26:31","modified_gmt":"2013-02-10T23:26:31","slug":"i-attract-karmic-backlash-because-i-have-not-always-acted-admirably-with-men","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/horizonsmagazine.com\/blog\/i-attract-karmic-backlash-because-i-have-not-always-acted-admirably-with-men\/","title":{"rendered":"I attract karmic backlash in relationships because I have not always acted admirably with men"},"content":{"rendered":"
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It's time to lay all my burdens down<\/p><\/div>\n

A friend and I were speaking yesterday about the lessons we attract, who we attract to learn them with and that people show\u00a0who they really are<\/a>\u00a0according to\u00a0how they perceive us.\u00a0 The lessons I’m learning now are very linked to the me of 20+ years ago.\u00a0 I\u00a0did not always act admirably with men. I used flirtation to gain favor. I\u00a0implied sexual promise to\u00a0keep their attention.\u00a0 When my attention wavered from\u00a0one man\u00a0to another,\u00a0I was quick to move on with little regard of how the other felt.\u00a0 I didn’t give it a thought, I was done.\u00a0 There was always a new man on the horizon. I\u00a0knew I was near the top of the looks and personality\u00a0chart, I just didn’t have a soul yet.<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\n

Friends were always setting me up, keeping me distracted with new toys.\u00a0 Since it was a small community, there were overlapping relationships, and it was always a round robin of being involved with someone’s ex.\u00a0 Then the claws came out and the accusations flew and drama was the order of the day.\u00a0 I saw later how my behavior initiated some of it, but I was quick to step out of the situation and on to the next person, ignoring the wake I left behind.\u00a0 It was a long time before it all began to feel meaningless and I began any kind of introspection.\u00a0 Until I went through an extended period of introspection, I kept coming across the same scenarios.\u00a0 That was because everything I was doing was geared to attracting just that.\u00a0 When I realized my giant part in it, I felt overwhelming compassion, shame and remorse.\u00a0 I clearly saw how my actions and reactions impacted them all. I never wanted to bear that burden again.\u00a0 The weight was squashing my soul.\u00a0 I stopped that sh*t.\u00a0 I made amends where I could.\u00a0 While I still flirt and have fun with friends, I no longer seek a romantic or sexual partner.\u00a0 I’ve been too irresponsible in the past and cannot be trusted to not go unconscious and leave behind a wake for others to drown in.\u00a0 So until I grow up, that’s the best way for me to be in the world.\u00a0 I want to leave a wake of hope and possibility, of good feelings and happy moments.\u00a0 I’ll work on that for now.<\/p>\n

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