Horizons Magazine
Andrea de Michaelis, Publisher
FEBRUARY 2006
My ideal relationship. Monogamy and testing fidelity. Social rules that go against the
laws of nature. Relationships show you your shadows. Do both parties agree
there is a relationship?? In meditation, there is an animated response waiting
for me to activate it by my attention to it. Growing my hair long at age 53.
Actually, it's not the shadow that's scary, it's our reactions to the shadow that scare us. A shadow is just a shadow, until we begin to attach our own ideas of what it might mean. Of what we've been told to expect from it; how we've been told is "the way it is", and the model we have been told is the standard to be adhered to.
Consider a scenario in which a man stands in the doorway with a large knife, then comes toward you with it. How do you feel? What are you anticipating? Does it feel good or bad? How you felt and what you thought is a product of what you believed to be true and expected to happen. If you had just moments before thanked your husband for sharpening all your knives and asked him to bring you your big favorite one to chop the broccoli with, then you'd probably be happy seeing the man in the doorway. If it was 3am and you just received a frantic call from your next door neighbor saying a prowler had entered your back door and the police are looking for an escaped killer, well that sets a different scene. That programs you to anticipate a different future event. That gives you a different framework with which to view the current situation, and a different set of choices how to react to it.
So often we have been taught social mores that go against nature, and our problems arise when we try to control the behavior and manipulate the perceptions of those around us. Social mores tend to control aspects connected with sex, relationships and religion. Although mammals as a species, and historically humans in particular, are not typically monogamous, for many people monogamy and morality are synonymous. In many traditions, the sister-wives of the polygamous husband all get along with each other and consider themselves a family. In my own experience, I've many times I've had to interact with ex-wives of my mates, and it does me no good to view her as competition. If this extended family is going to work, I must see her not as a rival but embrace her as a sister. We've been taught to believe that if our man loves us, he will never be sexually or romantically attracted to anyone else, ever, and that he will never "cheat" on us. We attach so much importance and all sorts of derogatory names to it, too. Cheat is defined as "to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud". Now I agree, if two people enter into a relationship and agree ahead of time that they intend to be monogamous, then you have a valid expectation of each keeping that promise.
But come on, all too often you can't even get both parties to agree they are IN a relationship together, much less agree on RULES for it. So much is assumed by each one in a relationship where not much verbal communication is happening. She assumes he's her boyfriend because they've been having sex for over 2 weeks. He assumes he doesn't have to report in to her because they are just hanging out, but he muses it might be kinda nice to have a girlfriend and she is easy to get along with... so far. They haven't discussed "relationship" yet because they are both insecure and neither knows just yet where they want this to go, so no one says anything. Then she assumes he's cheating on her when he hasn't called by 11pm and it's Friday night and since he's her boyfriend, he should have called her by now. So she calls to ask him where he is. Although he's with another friend, he's glad to see her number on his phone, then confused when she lays into him for what he "should have done" and how he should be acting. He's thinking he didn't know there was a script, and now he's wondering if he wants to star in that movie.
So did the discord begin when he "cheated", or did it begin when she called and made accusations, assuming facts not in evidence? Was the fight about what he did or was it about her perception of what he did to her, and her reaction to that perception?
I have been with partners who were not monogamous, however I never felt cheated on, nor "deprived of something valuable". I knew that what they felt for me was not diminished by what they felt for someone else, and my relationship with them was not necessarily negatively impacted by their relationships with anyone else. I grew up in a family where the men were not known for their monogamy. I learned that there was still a hierarchy and that the wife or main girlfriend always held a special position, that there were lines that were not crossed out of respect for the main partner. So that gave me a framework for my relationship patterns for the future.
When you feel stable in your relationship, and don't expect you are always at risk of losing your mate, you aren't always on the lookout for it. You don't clockwatch him; you don't keep track of where he is and who he's with and for what purpose. When he comes home late, you're glad he came home at all, and that he considers this home. You are too busy in your own life to feed your fears and insecurities, and thankfully they will die out without your constant attention to them.
The times I had conversations with past boyfriends and husbands on the topic, I told them I recognized that man isn't necessarily a monogamous creature. And while I personally had no interest in overlapping romantic or sexual relationships, I would not consider it a deal breaker if they did. I'd like to not have another woman call me or come to my home looking for him, out of respect to me and, in return, I'd never go through his stuff nor ask friends to spy on him and test his fidelity.
Years after a relationship, a former husband told me that my view of fidelity and independence was very liberating to him. He said that he never felt the imperative to have extramarital sex just because the opportunity was there. He didn't headtrip over "Omigosh I should do this, she'll never know, I may never have this chance again." He felt free to pursue it or not, without a deadline looming. He knew there would be other chances, perhaps with less accompanying baggage. He said that since he always knew it was his choice, he simply never got around to it, so it was never an issue. I really like these types of exit interviews and encourage everyone to have them with their former mates *smile*
So that's my view on relationships. And anyway, my primary relationship right now is with my new Adobe InDesign CS2 layout program, an upgrade from the Pagemaker I've been using since 1992. Boy, talk about adventuresome and challenging. Since the last issue, I've had to re-create the entire magazine page by page using the new software. I know, I know, it was just last year I wrote about how finally a decade later I learned to use all the Pagemaker features. Especially the color management system, which gave an entirely new look to Horizons last year. But by learning that first, it made the transition to InDesign easier.
Thankfully I've got several friends who also use the program and are just an email away when I have questions. As Abraham-Hicks would say, it's nice to have a friend upstream.
I've been growing my hair longer lately and I've got about 3-4 inches of nice bright platinum coming in. I frosted my hair for years, and when I noticed the roots were coming in bright and light last year, I decided to do an all over heavy frost and then let it grow in from there. One thing I didn't count on was the iron from my well water adhering itself to the hair that had been bleached in the frosting process. So, gradually last year, my hair turned from a brilliant blonde, to deep gold and red where the iron deposited. It didn't discolor where the natural haircolor was, just the bleached part. So if you've seen me lately, I've got a two toned, coppertail look. I really like the color it is coming in. Now I just need to let it grow and stop fooling with it.
I'm a fan of long hair on women over 50, and that's when I began growing mine out. I'll be 54 in April. I was always told by "professionals" that with my thin and fine hair, I should cut it in layers and keep it permed. Which I did, like a mindless sheep, for 30 years. Imagine my surprise when it began to grow out straight and got to be one length, and I found I had really great hair. I never knew that until the last several years. How cool is that? My mom always had lush long dark hair and I was crushed when she passed 40 and cut it in that typical Phys. Ed. teacher haircut. Her sister, nearing 70, still has long lush hair and I plan to let mine grow and grow.
I don't mind the aging process, at least so far I don't. I'm finding more things to do to stay active, even when I spend a lot of computer and driving time as I do my more-than-fun job. I'm enjoying more walking. My skin has always been pretty good; I never wore much foundation or powder or blush, and I scrub my face each time I shower. I was never a cigarette smoker, so I have very few mouth creases. I was never out in the sun much, so I don't have eye crinkles just yet. I'm no longer slim and toned, but daily yoga keeps me flexible and arthritis-free. I never was much of an alcohol drinker, so my liver works well. I was never partial to sweets or fried stuff, so I've got a great immune system. I'm always learning new things, so that keeps my brain cells firing. I don't watch or read the news, so I don't go into a daily downspiral over the media's horror du'jour. I may, however, catch the occasional first 10 minutes of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, just for perspective *hehe* Overall, I look forward to the changes that take place in my body and mind as the years go on. I definitely feel like a work in progress.
So, this month I've been reminded of or learned:
1. There's no hurry to find a partner. I don't want to attract one before I know what I really want.
2. What I want keeps changing.
3. I've never actually had a bad relationship.
4. I really, really, really dig being alone.
5. Just because I find a compatible mate doesn't mean we have to marry.
6. It's not the shadow that's scary, it's our reaction to the shadow that scares us.
7. Just because society has deemed something immoral or illegal, doesn't change the fact that it may exist as a normal occurrence in nature. It's like saying, ok everyone, gravity is now against the law, and all of a sudden we have to put all sorts of artificial means together in order to go against nature's tendency to have us touch ground.
8. Just because a partner "cheats" doesn't mean he doesn't love you and want to be with you. It's possible to have a stable, loving relationship with a good man, who also has other relationships. Do yourself a favor and stop thinking in terms of "cheating".
9. No relationship ends because a partner "cheats." The relationship gets in trouble as the offended party reacts to her perception of what the "cheater" did to her.
10. Learning yet another new software program can be easier than the last one, if I've made small upgrades along the way to keep current.
11. It's nice to have friends who already know what I seek to know, and I'm grateful when they share info with me that makes my journey along that path easier than it would have been alone. It's nice to have a friend upstream.
12. When I have iron in my well water, bleaching my hair will open it up to a bright orange rust color being deposited into the hair that nothing takes out. Nothing. Nothing. If you have well water with iron in it, do not bleach your hair unless you like the gold/red look!
13. If I want to grow my hair long, I must get used to having two toned hair while it is in transition. And I must learn to not hate it in the process.
14. Being flexible and keeping the ego in check is always the key to an easy transition.
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