Horizons Magazine
Andrea de Michaelis, Publisher
Photo taken 2005
If you'd like to say thanks,
we appreciate your donations
$3 helps * $5 helps * $10 helps
SEPTEMBER 2005
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin Our lucky 13th anniversary, embracing your broken-ness when relationships change, encouraging the contemplative life, stumbling over my own compulsions and illusions, inner cinema . It doesn't matter how long it takes me to learn something important to me, as long as I eventually learn it. Because I meditate, my experience is that there is as real a world "in here" as there is "out there". And there is a responsive presence "in here" that lets me know I am never alone, I am always guided, I am always loved and appreciated.
Hello and welcome to the September 2005 issue of Horizons Magazine. Horray for me! As of 30 days ago, I have now officially learned how to correctly use the computer programs I have been creating Horizons in for the past 13 years. The real test came when I had to hand everything in electronically - ye gads - last month, and I didn't see the results until I saw the August issue in print. So *yay*
Wow, another lucky 13 for me! This is our 13th year in print. In my astrological birth chart, the planet Jupiter - the planet of expansion and benevolence - is on my Ascendant or rising sign, and I was born on Jupiter day (Thursday) during Jupiter hours (6-8am). Jupiter takes 12-13 years to move through each house of the birth chart, and each house relates to an area of life.
Since the magazine began, Jupiter has been in my 6th house, the house of work and service. Kristy Bassham and Theresa Richardson began the magazine in June 1992 and I came in on the third issue. Jupiter entered my 6th house on August 1, 1992. Hmmmmm... Oooooo eeeee oooooo
Jupiter leaves my 6th house on October 4, 2005. Ten-four. Hmmm... That tells me that I ultimately - although apparently at the last minute - got the benefit of Jupiter in the 6th house by learning to use my computer programs and color management and graphic design systems, since my work with Horizons is in the nature of the 6th house, which is work and service. So yes, that's a big Ten-Four :o)
Oh yikes, that means that on October 4th, Jupiter is going into my 7th house - the house of partnerships. My last relationship ended in 1997, so this should be an interesting ride *smile* Actually, when I think about it, it would be synchronistic for the baton to be passed again anyway. My best buddies and next door neighbors have their place for sale, as they've just acquired a home and several woodsy acres a few hours north of here. My last relationship had newly ended when Doug & Trish appeared on the scene, so I just transferred all my love to the two of them *smile* Now, with their departure, it would be synchronistic to attract a suitable replacement(s) and he/she/it/they will undoubtedly show up in my life around October 4th *hehe* Ten Four, I got it, Universe, roger that.
In typical Andrea fashion, I notice myself backing a little away on stopping by and calling Trish and Doug several times a day just to say hi, to wean myself of the habit so I don't miss them so much when they are gone. It makes me realize how attached I am to them and how much I will miss them, although they are only a phone call or short visit away. I know there is no separation, but still I feel the sweet ache in my center that lets me know I have indeed loved deeply *smile*
Henri J.M. Nouwen, writes: "When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. The first response to our brokenness is to face it squarely and befriend it. This may seem quite unnatural. Our first, most spontaneous response to pain and suffering is to avoid it, to keep it at arm's length; to ignore, circumvent or deny it. Suffering - be it physical, mental or emotional - is almost always experienced as an unwelcome intrusion into our lives, something that should not be there.
When this is, indeed, our spontaneous attitude toward our brokenness, it is no surprise that befriending it seems, at first, masochistic. Still, my own pain in life has taught me that the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step toward it. When brokenness is, in fact, just as intimate a part of our being as our blessedness, we have to dare to overcome our fear and become familiar with it. Yes, we have to find the courage to embrace our brokenness, to make our most feared enemy into a friend and to claim it as an intimate companion."
I feel what he writes of, and it is true for me.
I thought back to what I did for companionship before Doug and Trish moved next door? and the answer came that I'd been in and out of relationships and marriages in a steady stream since I'd turned 18. So it was real easy to not miss a relationship while I had them around, plus I've always been really busy and I'm also someone who likes a substantial amount of solitude and silence. I do a lot of personal studying, in addition to my work with Horizons Magazine. I write, I meditate, I do solo silent retreats for inner work and I have a private counseling practice in Brevard County. Except for brief excursions for conferences or vacations, I tend to lead a fairly cloistered and contemplative life, which is my preference.
I can also relate to the words of Henri J.M. Nouwen in The Genesee Diary:
"I think most of my fatigue is related not to the type of work I do, but to the false tensions I put into it. I am just beginning to discover the "other world" in which I live.My desire to live for seven months in a Trappist Monastery, did not develop overnight. It was the outcome of many years of restless searching. While teaching, lecturing, and writing about the importance of solitude, inner freedom and peace of mind, I kept stumbling over my own compulsions and illusions. What was driving me from one book to another, one place to another, one project to another? What made me think and talk about "the reality of the Unseen" with the seriousness of one who had seen all that is real?
Maybe I was slowly becoming a prisoner of people's expectations instead of a man liberated by divine promises. Maybe... It was not all that clear, but I realized that I would only know by stepping back and allowing the hard questions to touch me even if they hurt. But stepping back was not so easy. I had succeeded in surrounding myself with so many classes to prepare, lectures to give, articles to finish, people to meet, phone calls to make, and letters to answer, that I had come quite close to believing I was indispensable.
When I took a closer look at this, I realized that I was caught in a web of strange paradoxes. While complaining about too many demands, I felt uneasy when none were made. While speaking about the burden of letter writing, an empty mailbox made me sad. While fretting about tiring lecture tours, I felt disappointed when there were no invitations. While speaking nostalgically about an empty desk, I feared the day when that would come true. In short: while desiring to be alone, I was frightened about being left alone. The more I became aware of these paradoxes, the more I started to see how much I had indeed fallen in love with my own compulsions and illusions, and how much I needed to step back and wonder, "Is there a quiet stream underneath the fluctuating affirmations and rejections of my little world? Is there a still point where my life is anchored and from which I can reach out with hope courage and confidence?
Contemplative life is a human response to the fundamental fact that the central things in life, although spiritually perceptible, remain invisible in large measure and can very easily be overlooked by the inattentive, busy, distracted person that each of us can so readily become. The contemplative looks, not so much around things, but through them into their center. Through their center, he discovers the world of spiritual beauty that is more real, has more density, more mass, more energy, and greater intensity than physical matter.
So, this month I've learned or been reminded of:
1. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to learn something important to me, as long as I eventually learn it.
2. My experience is that astrological transits can be an amazingly accurate tool for forecasting probable tendencies and circumstances.
3. Even though I know there is no separation, I can still hurt when someone I love leaves.
4. It is quite a yoga to face my own broken-ness and befriend it and embrace it.
5. I could postpone my hurt by distracting myself with busy work and tv instead of sitting alone in the silence with my own thoughts; but those are not satisfying pastimes for me.
6. "My fatigue is related not to the type of work I do, but to the false tensions I put into it."
7. I keep "stumbling over my own compulsions and illusions" to the extent I have fallen in love with them *smile*
8. I find comfort in being alone in the silence with my own thoughts, in my own inner cinema. And because I meditate, my experience is that there is as real a world "in here" as there is "out there". And there is a responsive presence "in here" that lets me know I am never alone, I am always guided, I am always loved and appreciated. It's a feeling of security and stability I wish everyone could experience, and it's only... well, a little silence and a few deep breaths away.
Enjoy our offering this month. Hari O