Horizons Magazine

More about Andrea

MAY 2003
Fire-poking and fanning the flame; don't take it personally; standing in my
 own shadow; peeling off the layers to reflect more Light;
where do we do the most good?

Hello and welcome to the May 2003 issue of Horizons Magazine.
As I write this, it's 3:00am and I've just come inside from taking a stroll
through my woods under the full moon. The hours before dawn are my
favorite; I love to go outside and experience the stillness and the quiet.
Where I live, we have no street lights so the stars shine brightly when
the night is clear. Right now the woods are lit up from the full moon and as I gaze past the tall oaks and pines, I see giant fluffy clouds moving in from the east, ever so slowly. In my west woods, I have a small firepit surrounded by low wooden benches, and I like to sit there with a small (legal, contained) fire at night, and just watch the fire and listen to the night sounds. It's one of my favorite places for contemplation.

Of course, fire-poking is an important part of the process, too, and doing it helps me poke and prod to the surface any lessons I might be working on in my life. As I watch the embers alternately blaze and fade, I think how parts of my life either blaze or fade, depending on how much life I breathe into them at any particular time. Whatever is blazing the most in my life is always what I've spent the most time fanning. Whatever is dying out is doing so because of my lack of attention to it. I've found I can take the tiniest ember, just the merest flicker of an ember, and have it blazing in no time if I want to. So I hafta make sure I really want a fire before I start one.

Of course, with the flame comes responsibility. When you start a fire, you're setting all kinds of things in motion, so you hafta know how to contain it and manage it so you don't burn everything down around you. That just takes a little thinking ahead of time, a little advance planning and pre-paving.
But we don't always think ahead before we build our fires, do we? Have you ever felt an area of your life was blazing outa control? Can you think back and remember how much advance thought you gave to the situation before entering into it? Can you see when you began fanning the flame and how long you've been doing so? Who's in there with you helping fan that flame?

Most of the times that I've found some area of my life blazing out of control had to do with words that had been spoken and reacted to. Words can be quite the flame, can't they? That's where thinking ahead of time, and advance planning and pre-paving can really benefit you. When you're preparing for a fire, you make sure you've cleared away any nearby brush that might catch a flame, and you've got lotsa water in case things get outa control. You ask yourself, what is my intent with this fire? My intent is usually to have a safe fire that is fun to experience. To make sure it's fun, I take care of the safety stuff first.
So why, then, are there ever blazes or flareups with friends and family? Often it has to do with not thinking before speaking, with not pre-paving. What is my intent with this person? Did I ask myself that as they approached me? Do I want a happy and productive interaction? What do they want? Am I able to give them what they want? Do I want to? Taking a moment to quickly ask myself these questions has been helpful to me, and prevented me from saying lotsa inappropriate, unnecessary stuff.

But what about the one who doesn't think before speaking, and he's aiming it at you? What helps me is to remember not to take it personally. To remember not to react inappropriately in response. To not get so caught up in the emotion of the moment that I forget my purpose and intent for being there. It helps me to remember it's not my place to judge or condemn anyone, to remember it's all part of the process. To remember that as we all travel this path of Self discovery together, there will be many flareups as personalities challenge and integrate. As I come to see every One at their most essential Self, the personality stuff doesn't affect me like it used to. You separate the person from the drama. You separate the person from their mood swings.

As I was standing outside earlier, I was in a clearing in my woods, looking up and watching the moon and clouds, contemplating a personal situation. I heard a sound behind me and looked to see what it was, but saw nothing. The sound was so clear and distinct, I knew it was close, I knew it was one of the cats, and I intuitively knew which one it was. This was because as soon as I heard the sound, I immediately thought 'little Kitty.? I've learned to trust when that happens, it's always my inner guidance giving me information. The first thought is usually correct.

So here I am, standing at 2am in a clearing in the woods, looking toward the source of a sudden sound, and seeing nothing. I intuited that one of the cats was closeby but could see nothing, although the area was brightly lit by the full moon. How can that be?? Then I took a step to the side and immediately saw Little Kitty, who'd been standing in my shadow. In my shadow. The full moon had illuminated everything except the shadow I cast. I could see everything around me, but what was right in front of me was obstructed and the obstruction was nothing but my own shadow. Wow!

With that, I had an 'a-ha' answer to the situation I'd been contemplating and processing, and the answer, of course, was that nothing was standing in my way other than the obstacles I put up for myself. I couldn't see those obstacles because they were in the shadows, but when I was able to step aside for another perspective, another view, I was illuminated and saw what had formerly been shadowed.

What I refer to as 'process' is my ongoing activity of drawing to the surface, peeling off the layers of my own fragile (s)elf, cleansing and sanctifying whatever comes up in the moment; whatever appears before me, in thought or in 3-D, requesting transformation. I figure, the more of me that is unpeeled, the more reflective a surface I am for whoever I come in contact with. The more reflective a surface I am, the more clearly I reflect available Light source, and the more clearly we all see. The personal situation I was contemplating had to do with how much time I chose to spend with a family member, and how much personal practice time I chose to forego in order to spend this time. During one conversation, he was not thrilled with my choice and let me know he thought it was selfish for me to not be out and about and being social with others, although that was my choice on that occasion.

Is it selfish for me to spend time in personal practice/process, i.e. prayer, reflection, silent contemplation, creative visualization, spiritual study, journalling to self, etc. rather than being out with friends and family who request my presence? I see my personal practice as an ongoing adventure, and I look forward to every day's exciting unfolding. It's not always an easy choice between doing two things you both dearly love, but only one physical body is available.

I've experienced denying invitations to visit with good friends, feeling that I needed to spend time in study instead. However, my focus for study was weakened as I kept thinking how much fun I might be missing at their event. I've experienced going to a fun and wonderful gathering of all my favorite people, yet all the while wanting to sneak off by myself to scribble down thoughts that were flowing so freely. So, is it selfish to stay home alone or is it selfish to join the party? Where am I doing others the most good? When I'm there doing that or when I'm here doing this? What about you? Where are you doing the most good?

Enjoy our offering this month. Hari Om.