Andrea de Michaelis, Publisher
Hello and welcome to the February 2013 edition of Horizons Magazine. I generally don't do relationship articles in the February issue because I think relationship has to do with everyone and everything, not just two people. I figure as far as sex and romance, two people who genuinely like each other will find a way to get along. I count my biggest relationship as the one between who I am at my essence and in potential, and the personality egoistic me that wants to fall into unproductive thoughts and behaviors and become so lazy that it jeopardizes my quality of life. When I let myself fall into a rut, that diminishes my quality of life. That takes my big, wide world and reduces it to a hamster wheel that I hypnotize myself into contentment with. And that's not living.
I don't have the romantic partner for life dream. That makes life so much easier because I have fewer dashed expectations. Now I see partners as steps on the path rather than the destination. A friend said once, "I like being in a relationship, even if it's not the right one. I like having a boyfriend, even if he's the wrong one." I typically am patient while I figure out how I fit and how I feel about a new person. Anytime I allow myself to be rushed into something, I get an important lesson from it. But there are no mistakes. It's always a wake up call I need that can save me a lot of time and angst down the road. 2012 was no exception.
When a new man aggressively pursues you and jokingly gloats, "they call me Jonestown," and says women he's with go crazy on him and he leaves Armageddon in his wake, believe him.He's just leaving out what he said and did that makes that keep happening to him. I found out. To joke about it shows no compassion. Forgive him for he is not awake enough to realize he keeps doing it, over and over. He's just looking for happiness, as we all are. It's not easy to be alone with his thoughts, so he's always moving from one thing to the next. His error lies in acting vulnerable and knowingly saying sensitive, seductive words and making empty promises to draw in new toys for delight. His error lies in saying "I love you" from day one, and constantly repeating, "I know you think I'm playing you," when it was not in your mind to begin with. Bless him for admitting once that he just needed something to conquer. Forgive him, bless him. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
TO HE I TRIED TO HELP
To he I tried to help, forgive me for giving you what you begged for, the affection and attention that you said would finally make everything right in your world. To he whose illusions I shattered by tearing down every wall you said was an obstacle, forgive me for laying bare your own soul before you for close inspection, and showing you no obstacles existed. To he for whom I was sole captive audience and father confessor the last 15 months, I am honored to have been able to bring Light to get you through your dark night. To he with the hard past of disrespecting women, of smooth words, thank you for the opportunity to reveal to me my own weakness and strength. It showed me I can sustain seeking good in the face of illusion. To he with the hard time with truth, fear not, the truth will set you free. It's not just a bumper sticker.
I know he longs to live a different life. I know he feels the pull of his soul. I know he found me as he was hitting the bottom of a very low past. I'm a strong diving board. I can take it. The board doesn't lament the diver, it knows its sole purpose is the gift of momentum. Preferring to be the chameleon to get what he thinks he wants, he doesn't mean to hurt others in the process. Like the butterfly, he flits from here to there, just a sip, next. Seek as he might, he never fills the empty spot within. Although he'll say you fill it with your enchanting, mystical magic, the likes of which he's never before experienced... for a minute. Like an hourglass with no bottom that just keeps emptying, giving no way to flip it over and start again. My job was giving him respite, a bit of foundation so he could regroup and refill the hourglass so it could be flipped again. It was my honor to serve in this way.
He knows the pretty words and the adoration they elicit, but does not always live the words. He'll put the pretty phrases online yet not the true, deep changes he's actually going through. The real soul work, that's where the magic lies. That's where alchemy takes place. He knows that, he longs for that. He's not always ready to process that. He promotes open communication, yet does not respect those closest to him by saying honestly what is on his mind, punishing instead by silence and sharp words. Only in anger will he speak his truth. That is not how he wants to be. In clear moments he knows that: sorry again.
Never for a moment be with someone you no longer want to be with. But never for a moment use sharp words to mock them or belittle them to create distance. There's never an excuse to be purposely hurtful, to anyone, ever.
To he who, try as he might, is not yet who he says he is: we all go through that, it's all part of the process. To feel you must dishonor women in order to gain their attention merely shows where you are on the wheel of conscious evolution. The wheel moves. Time goes on. We grow up. We take responsibility for how we perceive the world and how we react to it. We really grok the concept that it's all related. We clean up the past so we don't drag it into the future with us.
We no longer merely pay lip service to the cute inspirational quotes of the day. We can take just one of these quotes and meditate upon it deeply for a day and take it into practice and allow it to change our world. Or we can post as many as we can in 4 hours on Facebook, not really seeing the clear messages before us. We WANT TO WANT TO be who we say we are, but we need to practice it continually if we're to grow in to it.
The remedy: Do some serious soul searching. Ask yourself serious questions. Wait for the answers. Take them to heart. People will love you for who you really are. Grace them with the opportunity to do that by being who you really are: good, bad, up, down, manic, creative, depressed. Let who you are be enough and you will attract the right people to you. Never doubt that. After all, we attracted each other. Thank you for the opportunity to serve. It's been my honor. I mean that sincerely.
After I'd posted the above on Facebook, he blocked me and I understand why. He is entitled to not have to see me on the FB newsfeed while he's moving on with his life. He is entitled to focus on whatever brings him happiness and keeps him in a good flow. We all are. One reason I felt free to write it was because we continually discuss living our lives and transparently as possible, and to call each other on our stuff. We know that is the deep spiritual work and we are both committed to growth. We write in our blogs and on Facebook publicly so others can benefit from what we go through, and witness the stages of emotion that we experience as they are happening. That is how readers know they are not alone when it happens to them. This helps them realize we are all connected, we all go through the same things.
And the pendulum swings. When I saw him the next day, he was angry and I did not know why. He had a few choice words and called my post full of lies. I asked him what specifically was a lie and told him I'd remove it immediately. He could name nothing. His initial anger didn't last long, he contemplates later what's been said and gets the higher understanding. We talked just the week before about the awakening process, noting that everyone has to undergo a crucifixion in each lifetime. He agreed it was part of their growth to the next step, to the brighter future. He knew he'd been ungoing a crucifixion the past year in order to clean up his karma and he'd surrendered to however that might unfold.
If we had not spoken about it almost weekly the last year, if we had not talked always about being open and honest in using our lives as a message of hope to others, that would be a different story. If we had not talked about this is how we influence people, by letting them know our own personal issues and how we work through them, that would be a different story. We were always on the same page about full disclosure, we always had been.
Being initially angry, a distorted story played in his head until the wheels wound down and his intuition kicked in. He knows that. He's not irked for long. He comes to his senses and sees what's played out and when he's over-reacted. I did nothing wrong, just shared my thoughts about what I had experienced.
THE REASON FOR IT ALL. Knowing from day one that we were ultimately headed in different directions, last month we discussed that when his feelings for me changed, my key would be returned immediately and no hard feelings: friends. The next day I unexpectedly find he's already told two Facebook women weeks ago that he's not in relationship, and he's available. I met him at lunch and picked up my key and figured that was that, no drama, hi, thanks, bye. I graciously transferred all his files to a thumbdrive and packed his belongings neatly in several carry bins for the next day.
I couldn't help but wonder if it's like the first time he said, "we're over," and then later "you're the one who wrote that in stone, I just threw it out in anger, I didn't mean that." I can't imagine saying anything I don't mean whether I'm angry or not. Later he's irked and we're "over" again, followed a week later by "remember I'm still your boyfriend," when I'm texting an unknown person. Mixed signals, then "Isn't it clear I don't know what I want?" Ah, honesty. Thank you. The air was cleared. I figure we'll hang when it's fun and won't when it's not. It began being fun again.
I stopped asking him to do anything for me. Having zero expectations, I was never disappointed. I happily supported him in all his projects and ideas when he said he had no one else to help him hold a higher vision, no one else who understood him. I happily gave him a place to spend quiet time. I've happily driven him everywhere he's had to go all year. We discuss on a regular basis that we want to be as transparent as possible to lead by example that issues addressed can be worked out and we do this via our blogs and Facebook. I understand that when the personality isn't ready to work on an issue that the soul knows it's time for, the mental body takes over and can derail for a few days. On the other side of it is understanding and gratitude for the finger pointing to the moon.
We're on the other side of this now, as friends on the Path.
LIFE GOES ON. I had to laugh, within a week he began using the same seductive lines he used on me to seemingly woo others publicly online, except now I've added Rumi and the other popular mystic poets to his repertoire. Gotta love it! When someone finds a line that works, ya can't blame them for recycling it. He's entitled to seek happiness. I just don't need a ringside seat to it, so I asked him respectfully to block me from his FB wall. He did. Rejection is protection. The moment he did that, I felt free. My heart opened in a new way to him. When we speak now, I have a new understanding. When we speak now, I have more compassion. Being on the other side of it, we recognize what an honor it was to experience this amazing Universal life lesson together.
Elizabeth Gilbert said, "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."
So, everyone I know: Whether you pushed me or pulled me, drained me or fueled me, loved me or left me, hurt me or helped me, you are part of my growth and no kidding, I thank you.
This Valentine's Day, open your heart in a new way, to old friends, new friends, everyone, everything. It will change your life and expand your horizons. 2012 did that for me. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.